Slackers love pinball

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 22, 1995

yeah,  I played a few games of Centipede in my time. I won’t lie. But it was a fad and I left it behind. Super Nintendo blah blah blah. You can’t tell me that video game stuff will ever replace real pinball. Funhouse? That’s a real game. Rudy the clown taunts you and you get to rocket a metal ball into his throat. THAT is satisfying.

You know who I should be friends with? Troy and Vickie in the movie “Reality Bites.” They would GET me. I bet they’d like Funhouse. If the three of us slackers lived in an apartment together … wow. I would say, oh, you guys like Addams Family pinball? Yeah, me too. Seriously. I always like to get THE POOOWWWWER.

But also, might I recommend Funhouse?


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Published in: on April 30, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (1)  

One-armed grandma

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 10, 1963

and that’s how I got 14 stitches. Now I just took a pain pill they gave me. Never felt like this before. Head is spinning around. Good thing I already did my homework. But can’t walk on my foot too much. Stuck here in my room. Thinking about my grandma — who had something worse than 14 stitches. After she died, I thought Mom would finally tell me how grandma lost her arm. No. Guess it’s a secret for the end of time.

Here are some guesses:
1. I once saw a picture of grandma as a child with two arms. Playing piano. Maybe she was in a piano-playing contest. And her rival didn’t want her to win — so she chopped off grandma’s arm.
2. Maybe a madman broke into their house and held them hostage and she tried to escape. So he chopped off the only part of her that hadn’t made it out the window — her left arm.
3. Maybe my grandpa had a girlfriend on the side. So grandma told him if he didn’t stop she would chop off her own arm. Then he got caught again. So she chopped off her arm to make him feel guilty.
4. Maybe when grandma was young she was laying in the street. Looking up at the stars. But she fell asleep. And a car drove over her arm.
5. Maybe she was attacked by a swarm of killer bees.
6. Maybe before she met my grandpa she had a boyfriend — an Indian who carved totem poles. With a power saw


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Published in: on April 29, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (1)  

Cell phones by the muddy stream

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 23, 2007

They think they are so much cooler because they’re older. Oh yeah poor me the younger cousin with no cell phone. And the worst thing is my dad invited them to the cabin so I’d have someone to talk to. As if.

Not sure why I bothered to ask if they wanted to go swimming. Melissa said the water looked polluted, which depends on your definition of polluted. It’s muddy.

But that didn’t stop me, and the funny thing was that I was swimming up the stream a little and met a guy that either one of them would’ve liked. Ha ha. All mine. Too bad. And he flirted with me. They’re talking to people back in town and I’m talking to a real guy. Older. Wants to meet me later. Maybe I’ll


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Published in: on April 28, 2010 at 4:39 am  Leave a Comment  

A man who bakes

Handwritten page of a diary dated November 4, 1992

when I agreed to have a male roommate, I didn’t expect that he’d be more girly than me.

The first thing he did was send me a Thank You card for choosing him to move into my spare room — and it was a card smothered with teddy bears and flowers. As jokingly as I could, I said ha ha, this is pretty girly, you’re gay right? And he said MOST DEFINITELY NOT. I said, oh I know, just kidding.

Then he was talking to me while standing in his doorway and I saw that he had yellow flowered curtains and sheets. He noticed that I’d noticed, and he said his mom had come over to decorate.

Later in the kitchen he offered me some banana bread with pecans and I asked him if his mom made that, and he said no he made it. Wow. I think this might work out after all.


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Published in: on April 27, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

So easily distracted

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 21, 2008

my brother asks me why I can never get anything done. Well here’s an example — I was on my way to get my driver’s license renewed when I stopped to take a picture of a tied-up dog with a cone around its neck and then this girl comes by and pets the dog and she looks like David Duchovny’s daughter on the show “Californication” and I think, well I doubt if it’s her, but what’s that girl’s name on the show anyway? Oh yeah, Becca. Then I see Jackie in the coffee shop and I get on her laptop to look up that actress’ real name so I can go back and ask her if she’s her. But then while Jackie is sitting there impatiently wanting her computer back, I get distracted reading about Californication and I read that Natascha Mcelhone, who plays Karen, the one with big beautiful eyes, was in The Truman Show and I try to think which one she was, oh yeah, the one Jim Carrey likes better, but she seems prettier on Californication. I’m about to give Jackie’s laptop back when I realize I still didn’t get the name of the actress who might still be petting the dog out on the street. But then I look back at the Natascha Mcelhone page and see that her husband just died. Oh no. He was a plastic surgeon and he just dropped dead on the way into their house in England. And she’s pregnant with their third child. Giant bummer. I don’t even care about going to talk to Becca now. Oh no, one of the newly fatherless children is named Otis. What a cool name for a kid. Even though it’s the name of the guy on the Andy Griffith show who was always putting himself in jail when he got drunk


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Published in: on April 26, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Mom’s a stripper

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 2, 1982

since I helped her quit smoking we’ve been getting along better than ever. Smoking was the only thing that bugged me about her — and that’s pretty weird for a dude to say about his mom. But really she’s always been ok.

Too bad after today I won’t even be able to look at her. I found some pictures from the 70s and the first one looked pretty good. I noticed that framed photo of me that used to be on the mantle and she stood in front of it, looking as much like a fox as a mom could. Why didn’t I just stop looking right then? Why did I have to flip to the second picture? Why?


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Published in: on April 23, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

All day I dream about David Beckham

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 2, 2006

… wandering around because I was trying to find a used CD shop when I saw this billboard, and stopped to read it.

A guy comes up behind me and says – I stopped to look at this because it says Adidas. I said – I stopped to look at it because David Beckham is hot. He says – Do you know what Adidas stands for? I said – I’m trying to read this if you don’t mind. He says – Adidas stands for All Day I Dream About Sex. I said –  I doubt that a lot. He says – Well, you’re dreaming about sex right now. I said – I only dream about sex when I see David Beckham, not all day. He says – Well, I dream about it all day. I said – That must be very distracting for you. He says – Yeah, but I can multitask.

I walked away and he followed me for a while, saying – wait, wait, wait. But he eventually left me alone.

I must admit I looked it up on snopes. It said Adidas was – quote – founded in 1924 in Germany and named for its owner, Adi Dassler.


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Published in: on April 22, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Born because of a broken tooth

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 22, 1989

my mom’s boss was a cranky dentist. They had this trailer and she had to go with him around to towns without a regular dentist. My dad was hiking through Germany but he fell and broke his tooth — ON THE ALPS, he always says.

The dentist gave my dad some painkillers. Strong. And my mom spoke a little English, and she told my dad she’d go check on him later, so my dad told her where his tent was.

After he came back to Montana, she wrote him a letter every single day, even though my uncle J.D. says he was still dating every girl he could get his hands on.

And by the time she came to visit him in Montana, she was bringing a baby, which was ME. And he liked me, even though now that I think of it, I must’ve been conceived while he was all hopped up on prescription drugs, so maybe that’s why I am the way I am


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Published in: on April 21, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Sleeping rooster

Sleeping rooster

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 8, 2002

well don’t ask me why she was dressed like a rooster. The first time I walked by her and looked inside the mask I thought she was just resting her eyes. But then I went by a few more times because she was standing on the path to the bathroom and each time she had her eyes closed.

I was kind of starting to get worried about her because if she was asleep she could fall over and poke herself with her own beak. I didn’t know what to do. First I thought I might find a way to look casual while I stood close enough that if she started to tip, I could break her fall, but she had pretty good posture, and I didn’t know which way she’d fall.

I stayed about half an hour and then everyone was leaving and I didn’t want to leave her there alone. So finally I woke her up. We talked a little and I got her phone number. If we start dating and she gets mad at me some day, I’ll tell her that I watched over her for a long time that day when we met, and she’ll think that was sweet and she won’t be mad any more.


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Published in: on April 20, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Petticoat on a mannequin

Petticoat on a naked mannequin

Handwritten page of a diary dated November 15, 1979

and I might still be dating him if it weren’t for the mannequin incident. I mean he looks really good for a guy in his 60s and so far it seems like he probably hasn’t lost his skill in the passion department. Plus. OK. I must admit it’s nice to be with someone who takes me to really expensive restaurants and always shows up for a date with a gift.

We were at his house and he said I could change in the guest room and I said OK. Change into what? I thought maybe he bought me another new dress — but when I got up there I see a mannequin wearing just a lacy half slip.

OK. If this turns him on. OK. I put it on and I assume he wants me to wear just that so OK. I’m game. I put it on and he knocks on the door and when he comes in I’m standing there wearing just that.

He blushes like crazy. I said, OK, what? He just sat in the gold chair. I said I thought this is what you wanted — come on I look good, don’t I?

I mean I think all his old friends would think he’s pretty lucky just to see me dressed like this, but he still doesn’t say a word so I think OK, maybe he’s just shy, so I do some poses for him, and he blushes more and won’t talk.

Eventually I just got dressed and put the frilly slip back where I found it and left feeling really dirty, but I don’t know why. What was I supposed to think? And after all, he’s the one who owns a mannequin.


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Published in: on April 19, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment