The cat who vexes me

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 18, 1993

I don’t know, about a week ago maybe. I open the windowshade and there it is, just staring straight at me. Then I close the shade and take a shower and go to do the dishes and there it is again staring at me in the kitchen window.

It’s beautiful, but the look it gives me is super especially creepy man. I saw that movie a few years ago — ‘Pet Semetary’ and cats give me the willies now.

Happens every day now. I wondered if the cat would appear when Jenny was over and it did.

Jenny said that looks like Toonces the Cat on Saturday Night Live. I said Toonces didn’t have any brown on him, he was all black and white and gray. She said oh yeah I think you’re right man. Besides this cat isn’t even a little bit funny.

I’m pretty sure it won’t give up till I’m in the cuckoo’s nest with Jack Nicholson and Louise Fletcher and Danny DeVito


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Published in: on May 30, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Bee sting at the drive-in

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 21, 1993

and now that it’s closed I wish they’d just tear it down. Too many memories.

Sometimes I drive past it and remember being a kid and riding the carousel or the train ride before the movie started. I was dressed in pajamas in case I fell asleep during the movie, but it didn’t matter because most of the other kids were too.

Or I’ll think of later, going there and making out with Rob. Or Jay.

A lot of times I think about the very last time I was there. I was just with Haley, and we were on a blanket on the hood of the car and a bee bit her in the stomach and she wanted to go home but I wouldn’t take her because I wanted to see the movie. I remember that. I was determined to see how that movie ended, even though right now, I can’t even remember what movie it was but I remember the look on her face.

And then a month later I was driving from home back to college and a bee got in the car and bit me on the foot and I didn’t stop driving. I just figured since I didn’t take Haley home from the Drive-in then I was going to keep driving through my own pain. I was wearing these sandals with three straps on them and by the time I got to the dorm my foot had swollen up everywhere except where the straps were and I looked like a mutant. Of course word got around so even after I managed to fall asleep, everyone in the whole dorm kept waking me up wanting to get a look at it. The next day I limped to the pay phone and called Haley to tell her I was sorry about not taking her home that night


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Published in: on May 28, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Purple Haze

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 20, 1968

she said ‘It’s not THAT purple.’ I said ‘You must be kidding. I’ve never seen it purple like that.’

And there we were arguing about how purple the sky was. And I was tired of arguing so I started singing that Jimi Hendrix song from which I bought the 45 last summer.

‘Purple haze all in my brain …’

She said ‘Quiet down, you’re embarrassing me.’

‘Am I happy or in misery?’

Then she put her hands over her ears and closed her eyes and I think she thought that would make me disappear. Or make her disappear.

‘Whatever it is… that girl… put a spell on me.’

But then this guy near us stood up on his picnic bench and started playing an imaginary guitar for me and making guitar sounds between his lips. And his girlfriend looked disgusted and went over and sat by my girlfriend.

‘Actin’ funny… but I don’t know why…’

And then about three other people in the park — including this one old chick — sang the last part with me:

‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky.’


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Published in: on May 27, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Relax in Maui

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 10, 2006

because we can stay in this borrowed house only for five days. I just want to go down to the beach every day and sit there. It’s the best beach ever EVER. Amanda said ok we’ll go down there today, but we need to be on the lookout because she heard Drew Barrymore vacations a lot in a town next to here ever since she was making the movie “Fifty First Dates.”

I said if you want to go searching for movie stars, we can stop in L.A. for a few days while we’re flying home, but damn girl. We’re in Hawaii. Damn. We need to swim in the blue blue Pacific and then lay on the white white sand and eat fresh pineapple picked that morning and then swim some more. And then take a quiet ride on a little boat in the blue blue ocean. And then swim some more. No, I don’t want to go to Pearl Harbor. Too depressing. I just want to have my toes in the white white sand and …


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Published in: on May 26, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Don’t follow the pistachio-shell trail

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 25, 2004

she goes to and makes me read a recipe called Broccoli-Slaw. Says, “what don’t you like in this recipe? I’ll make a special batch for you.”

“broccoli and cabbage and cranberries and there’s probably vinegar in the cole slaw dressing.”

She said “so you only like the pistachios. Oh.”

I don’t want to be a problem. But. I can’t pretend to like that stuff. Can I? She wouldn’t want me to hurl all over the table, would she?

She went upstairs. I got the pistachios from the counter. Poured them from the bag to a plate. Counted them. I put my little pile in a little baggie. Left a note on the counter:  “There are 52 pistachios and there are 5 of us. I took my 10. You can put the rest in your cole slaw. Don’t try to look for me. I’m going deep into the woods behind Marjorie’s house. But I have food and water. And a blanket. I’ll be home by 7 p.m.”


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Published in: on May 25, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

German tea party 1952

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 26, 1977

Mom doesn’t have many photos of her as a kid in Germany, but her grandmother in Alpirsbach sent her one today.

She made me guess which one was her and I got it right. She’s the blond girl with her hand in the middle of the table, probably spreading extra butter on her piece of the giant bread because if we’ve heard once, we’ve heard 40 billion trillion times that butter tasted better in Germany. But I didn’t say that’s how I knew.

I told her it looks like a weird thing to serve, three small tomatoes and some coffee. She said it was plums and I said, oh then that makes it so much more of a thrill. She said it was a nice tea party and I said then why do most of the girls look horrified that they have to sit down and try to be polite about plums and bread. Except the blond girl behind you, who looks like she thinks that modeling talent scouts will see the photo and make her famous.

Then she said “You know you’re right. I’ve never noticed all of that before. You are very observant.”


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Published in: on May 24, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Get these hiccups out of me

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 25, 2002

gets the hiccups and she FREAKS OUT. Whispers to me that she can’t stand that feeling. We’re at this work meeting and our fourth-floor supervisor is droning on and on until she hears one of the loud hiccups and stops. June is the boss from hell and everyone thinks since she’s been interrupted that her head will pop off her neck, but she didn’t say much so people just start giving suggestions for how to stop the hiccups and we try some of them. Nothing works.

Then June’s assistant starts reading from his laptop. “Charles Osborne of Iowa  hiccuped from 1922 until Feb. 1990 — 68 years for a total of 430 million spasms. They don’t know why they stopped. He died one year later. Early on he had hiccups about 40 times a minute. In later years it was only about 20 per minute. Charles Osborne had 8 children.”

Sales manager asks if he was related to Ozzie Osbourne and assistant says let me check … no Ozzie has a u in Osbourne. Charles doesn’t.

Several minutes pass with people trying different cures. Assistant reads more from his laptop. We vetoed: “Make yourself vomit”  “Add one teaspoon of lemon balm, fennel or passionflower to one cup boiling water” and “Put your pants on backwards” and “Put a glass of water on the floor; get on your knees and …”

Finally the one that worked was: “Get a glass of water and two straws, put one straw inside the glass as usual and the other straw pressed up against the side of the glass on the outside. Put both straws in your mouth at once, drink the water like you would normally, taking as big of gulps as possible.”


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Published in: on May 21, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Can we take home the guy in the kilt?

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 16, 2010

… she’s only 11, but she’s absolutely fixated on getting me a boyfriend. I tell her I already have a boyfriend and she says he’s too MEEK. I’ll give her this, she does have a great vocabulary.

We went to the Scottish fair in Elkton and we’re walking around and she says come this way, and I see why she wants to go down there. A guy she wants me to bring home. I know her type.

I say no. She says he’s RUGGED and if someone broke into our house, we’d be safer. I say if he’s so rugged why has he gone to a salon to get highlights in his hair? She gets closer and starts asking him questions. Stupid stuff like what kind of things would be kept in his pouch. They have a long conversation about it and he eventually opens the pouch and pulls out his business card and hands it to me and she actually hopped in the air before she caught herself and went back to acting nonchalant.

Later I told her you know if I call him and he comes over, he’s not going to be wearing that Scottish outfit because there’s no way he wears that all the time, and she says, “he might.”


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Published in: on May 20, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (1)  

Too geeky for your pool party

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 30, 2006

I’m too geeky to be seen at a party for her hip friends, but I don’t get it. I look down there with my binoculars and I see at least five people, probably more like six, who are just as geeky looking as I am. Oh and one guy was looking at his laptop — during a pool party. I’m not that bad. Only two that looked like they were enjoying it were the only two who got in the pool.

I have money saved up and I offered to buy a party cake from the place where the lady can draw anything you want with frosting, but as soon as I mentioned it she was completely horrified. I said how about one of those big long sandwiches and she said everyone was over that. Then I looked down there and it looked like those people were thinking – What kind of party doesn’t serve food? Oh and did I mention there wasn’t any music?

Well at least when I had a pool party down there with my GEEK friends, there was food and music and everyone stayed longer than 1.75  hours.


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Published in: on May 19, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Little girl on the prairie

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 14, 1995

You know how in the beginning stage of a relationship you still want to know everything about the other person? Well he wanted to see some pictures of me when I was little. I don’t have many since most of them are in my mom’s craft room back in De Smet waiting to be scrapbooked, in fact I only found one picture and the first thing he said was what a bummer that I wasn’t facing the camera.

Then he said “Why is Mick Jagger making a face at you?” and I said “That’s not Mick Jagger. That’s my Aunt Pat”


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Published in: on May 18, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment