These Ugg boots were made for walkin’

Handwritten page of a diary dated March 18, 2010

if you’re going to say Ugg boots are bad for me, why don’t you just bring out a big scud rocket launcher and shoot me right now?

my mom said she heard it somewhere on TV yesterday and I said remember you told me I shouldn’t believe everything on TV? but she gets on the internet and finds the story and says, see! associated press! that means it’s real!

here, I’ll paste this in: “Because these boots are warm and soft, young girls think they are giving their feet a break. In fact, they are literally breaking their feet,” Dr. Ian Drysdale, head of the British College of Osteopathic Medicine, told the paper. “Their feet are sliding around inside. With each step, the force falls towards the inside of the foot and the feet splay,” Drysdale explained. “This flattens the arch and makes it drop. The result can be significant problems with the foot, the ankle, and, ultimately, the hip.”

splay. my feet are splaying. i had to look up the word: to spread apart or outward esp. in an awkward manner, disjoin.

disjoin sounds bad, but haven’t stopped wearing them. except now when walking around, every step i take, I hear the words in my head — splay splay splay disjoin splay splay disjoin splay


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Published in: on May 17, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Tip for insomniacs

Handwritten page of a diary dated December 4, 1994

when they saw I had pictures of little kids on the wall around my bed they said it was creepy. I said no no it’s NOT creepy because watching them sleep help me go to sleep. Thinking of how easy babies can go to sleep helps me relax. That’s really all there’s to it.

Then my sister started finding some extra pictures for me because she reads alot of magazines. Some of them I kept but some of them were fake sleep by child actors or something. I can tell when a kids really asleep in the picture. Some psychiatrists should test me and I bet I’d get it right 100% about whether they were really asleep or faking it.

My mom said no one should be an insomniac until at least the age of getting their drivers license and I said I guess I’m just a few years advanced.


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Published in: on May 14, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Gun belt with jockey shorts

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 8, 1961

… just two pals out in the middle of nowhere ready to shoot some cans and other junk we bought for cheap at flea markets. Henry’s been looking forward to this for so long on account of he found his grandpa’s old gunslinger belt and he borrowed someone’s gun that will fit in there.

We get out there and shot up all our stuff and then we got bored and started daring each other to do certain deeds. Easy at first, but then he got me to lick the sand off a big rock and I did it so I told him to walk barefoot over a bed of sharp stones. He was like a cowardly girl about his tender little feet. Then I said if he wouldn’t do it, he had to pose for the camera without his pants. The imbecile did it. I guess he didn’t count on the fact that I could make a lot of extra prints from that picture.


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Published in: on May 13, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (1)  

Swank jello shots

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 22, 2007

… not that hard to say no when you go to a party and the jello shots are neon green or orange. But these were tastefully crafted. How could I say no?

Sure I embarrassed myself during the drunken stupor that followed — but hey, blueberries are loaded with antioxidants.


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Published in: on May 12, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Couch in the laundromat

Handwritten page of a diary dated March 19, 1979

not exactly how I expected my life to go but naturally I had to choose the interesting life instead of the safe easy life with the big paycheck. The only time I rethink that is when I’m carrying a load of dirty clothes so tall that I can’t see in front of me. Laundromats. One of the only places where I was having trouble staying optimistic.

But now I found a laundromat that speaks to me. The couch there is worth the trip. Never seen anything like it. Not that it’s so comfortable. Normally I would choose comfort over looks, but not with this couch.

Any time I’m there alone I take off my shoes and pick one of the colors and try to walk from one end to the other by only walking on that color.

If I ever do get rich I’ll build a circular room and get the laundromat owner to sell me that couch.


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Published in: on May 11, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Wind limerick

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 5, 1986

The wind as of late has been whipping
And all the umbrellas are ripping.
Walk out in the street
And you’d better beat feet,
Or the rain in your face will be dripping.


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Published in: on May 10, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Ham with a crispy coat

Handwritten page of a diary dated March 14, 1983

splurged and got the best ham I could possibly find and it exceeded my wildest expectations.

I baked it my usual way and I made homemade rolls with yeast and I squeezed some orange juice and I sat down to eat and for about 15 minutes it was pure pure heaven. UNTIL the doorbell rang.

So my ex-brother-in-law walks in with his wife, and I feel like I have to offer them some food. I actually like him. She on the other hand is a creeped-out-scary Martha Stewart type and while he’s eating and already telling me how good it is, she says no thanks she doesn’t like burnt things. She didn’t bargain for my new attitude — which allowed me to say “well this is how I like it best so hey all the more for me.” He laughed but she gave us both a dirty look — back and forth, then she went out and sat in the car and he stayed till he was full. I told him he could come back any time but next time he should leave her in the car.


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Published in: on May 7, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Locked garage

Locked garage

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 22, 1978

after grandma died. We did finish cleaning out her house but nobody knew the combination of the lock on the garage, so we left that all summer. None of us had ever been allowed in there and after finding so much bizarre stuff in the house we were almost afraid I think.

Then somebody said we HAVE TO get in there and clean it out so we can sell the house and split the money. So Jerry brought over a power saw and cut through the lock.

Only four things were in there!

Real leather boxing gloves hanging from the rafter

A box of Doris Day records

A box full of board games. All Chutes and Ladders. Looks like from the late 1940s. Never used.

And da da da da — a 1951 Nash Rambler convertible. Spotless. Probably worth more than her house


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Published in: on May 6, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Justin Timberlake or Fernando Alonso?

Fernando Alonso

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 5, 2006

reading some magazine, Jane or something and there was an instruction sheet of how to find Mr. Right so Brit reads it and says we need to find a photo of a guy we really really really really want and then we’ll know him when we see him. So she picks Justin Timberlake in like the first 3 minutes and I go come ON.

I then spend the next TWO DAYS looking at pics of guys and finally choose Grand Prix racer Fernando Alonso of Spain. I show Brit his pic and she says he’s pretty hot but his eyebrows are too fat but I’m like, so what I’m sticking with him. Then she says he has on a wedding ring and I say no that’s his right hand not his left, and besides Justin Timberlake might as well be married to Cameron Diaz and we’re not looking for these actual guys and whether they can sing or dance and how much money they have — just a certain LOOK and she’s like OH then I might change mine


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Published in: on May 5, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

The pool was miniscule

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 25, 1973

My mom is always bragging that they had a pool in their yard when she was growing up but then I finally saw a picture of it and it’s about five feet by five feet long. I said, it’s a good thing you had on your swimming cap because you might’ve gotten one drop of water on your hair. She said maybe it wasn’t so big but it was a deep pool and it was refreshing on a hot day.

I forgot all about it till now because today is at least 150 million degrees outside and I’m laying on some boxes in the basement because it’s the only cool place in the entire house and I would pay about 2 trillion dollars to have that little pool in our yard right now. I might go admit it to her, except I’d have to go upstairs


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Published in: on May 4, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment