I wouldn’t make my worst enemy carry that lunch pail

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 8, 1971

because it’s the stupidest lunch pail in this stupid stupid world and I cannot believe she expects me to take it to school. I  am 10 years old. Not 2. And this is the 1970s NOT the stupid 1940s.

Grandpa brought it up from the cellar, where it looks like it was stored in his bomb shelter a few years after he carried it around in the dust bowl while he walked to school with his friend Tom Joad from the Grapes of Wrath, ha ha ha.

If I have to live with my old old grandparents and I carry a stupid lunch pail with a bus on it they could at least bother to spring the dough for a PARTRIDGE FAMILY bus lunch pail.

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Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fortinbras/1857360629/
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Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Friends don’t let friends bounce up and down

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 29, 1988

then he said there aren’t ever enough women at their parties so he wants me to get some of my girlfriends to come over sometimes.

I said his friends drink too much and talk about their precious Macintosh II or their Compaq Portable III with 36 megahertz.

He said not all of them drink.

I said name one who doesn’t.

He said well, I think, uh …

I said last time I was over, crap was all over the backyard AND I was the only female AND some drunk guy was jumping on a pogo stick.

He said that pogo stick is fun (which I must admit is true because I tried it myself) but then he told me pogo sticks were first real popular in the 1920 and he told me who patented them and about 2 thousand other facts about pogo sticks before he admitted that Maxie fell off the stick that night and had to have eight stitches in his head.

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Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/74163253@N00/2610948674
Published in: on June 15, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Yes your bra looks delicious, but …

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 15, 1993

I can’t force myself to fall for her. I wish I could, because she lives right next door and she’s nice and she’s not bad looking. BUT I just don’t feel it.

Today I was raking and she came over wearing a top that looked like it was from a bikini. I was trying not to stare because women hate it if you stare at their chests, right? But I did glance. And I could see that her top was made of candy!!!!!!!

She caught me looking and she put her hands on the candy and said – “looks good enough to eat, don’t you think?”

So I’m pretty sure she likes me and I wouldn’t’ve minded eating all that candy right off her, but then, if I took her in the house for an hour or two, I’d want to not see her again for a while, which isn’t really possible since she lives right next door. I just laughed and said, yes, it looks delicious — but then I said if she was cold I’d give her my sweater. She looked surprised. And she said something that really surprised me

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Original image: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Candy_Bra.jpg
Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (2)  

Only thing better than harem pants would be having a harem

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 4, 2010

About a month ago I saw this guy on the street wearing harem pants. Didn’t even know what they were called until I got home and researched it.

My uncle said they were MC Hammer pants. No idea what that means, but I used that phrase to search for some more pictures of cool pants. True enough, there aren’t too many places to buy them, but Maria said she’d make me some if I drive her to work all summer. She just finished the first pair and I was right. They feel a MAZE ing. I can never go back to tight jeans.

I wore them to a party and more hot girls talked to me. Not the cheerleadery looking girls, which is fine by me. It’s the strange-ranger girls I like anyway.

I will wear these pants every day of my life and I will leave instructions in my will to bury me in a pair.

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Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/16662833@N00/4414253662/
Published in: on June 11, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

If you want to play with the big boys …

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 17, 1981

she said I shouldn’t have sprayed him right in the face.

Oh really? Well what punishment would she expect me to give someone who thought it would be so hilarious to take my clothes and my towel while I was swimming and leave me only a tiny washcloth? I mean you’re dating my mom. Come on. You want to be one of the guys and you pull a lowdown stunt like that, then you should expect to get a little wet. Or a lot wet.

Actually he’s lucky his expensive new sneakers didn’t end up hanging from the top branch of the sycamore by the picnic tables. He’s lucky he didn’t get deposited into the massive slimy puddle by Jerome’s house. He’s lucky he didn’t get pantsed and taken out in the woods at sunset when the mosquitoes come out

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Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/elisfanclub/2802930366/
Published in: on June 10, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Doesn’t look hypo-allergenic to me

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 28, 1997

this guy mailed me some pictures of the rooms in his mom’s house and I saw a roll of pink toilet paper in the bathroom and I thought it looked super bizarro. My sister said, yeah, we used to have red toilet paper in our bathroom in Tucson when we were growing up.

But I don’t remember toilet paper being any color but white.

She said hey we can look it up by surfing the worldwide web (because she likes to show off that she has a computer at her house). Somebody had started a discussion thread: ‘Why is all toilet paper white now?’ And someone else replied: ‘I still get green to go with my bathroom. Other colours are available.’

Then she said whoever wrote this must live in England or Australia because they spelled colors with a U in it.

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Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/champagnechic/1282138301/
Published in: on June 8, 2010 at 6:48 am  Leave a Comment  

Croquet gets fierce

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 22, 1973

not sure why Lee and I are so competitive now. This is kind of like the conversation we had today after we played the most leisurely game ever invented:

My little sister plays a better game of croquet than you do.

Does she cheat like you?

She could play you and not cheat and still win. And she’s only 7. And by the way, there’s no way to cheat at croquet.

Then congratulations because you cheated just now. You cheated like a … cheating … cheater.

My little sister could come up with a better comeback than that while she was beating you at a game of … tetherball.

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Original image: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Croquet_%28PSF%29.png
Published in: on June 7, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Cupcakes, yes, nice try

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 26, 1983

fight to the finish because $75 is a more hefty sum than either of us can afford to lose. Anyway I didn’t think he would resort to this suspect behavior just to win the weight loss bet:  I came in the office today to see four intricately decorated chocolate cupcakes on my desk and there was even a tablecloth under the plate. Norman said he heard that Kent coerced his wife into staying up late making them. I feel sorry for her because she’s on a diet too, and she couldn’t have been any too joyous about getting pulled into this.

When I first sat down Kent was trying to be clandestine, but I could see he was watching me so I picked up one of the cupcakes and unwrapped it. I acted like I was going to eat it, but then I just stuck my tongue on it and put a comical expression on my face and then put it back down. Oh Kent, nice attempt you sorry fool.

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Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/quintanaroo/2416471837/in/set-72157600162139176/
Published in: on June 3, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Keep your sunny side up, up

Handwritten page of a diary dated Jan 30, 1979

Freezing rain is not the best highway condition on a road like this where you might plunge yourself into the sea with one wrong move — but I was in for a long drive and I was determined to stop pouting, especially since there wasn’t anyone there to console me anyway. So I made the longest list ever of the positive side:

  1. I don’t have cancer.
  2. Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin signed a peace agreement so there will probably be peace in the Middle East.
  3. Valerie is more than 200 miles away from me now.
  4. I have a tall mug of hot chocolate in the cup holder.
  5. I don’t have to start work for another two weeks.
  6. I didn’t marry Lawrence.
  7. There’s a radio station up here that doesn’t just play the same stupid disco songs over and over. And when they played The Cars, they didn’t play ‘My Best Friend’s Girl But She Used To Be Mine’ They played ‘Moving in Stereo’! So good.
  8. I wasn’t in Jonestown drinking Kool-Aid.
  9. That fortune teller guy at the party told me I’d find true love before the end of the century and that still leaves me plenty of time.

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Original image: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/bKqvKkY2f8YYhVO01JTVew
Published in: on June 2, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Jello that will never be eaten

Handwritten page of a diary dated December 2, 2005

He was kind of disappointed that more people didn’t laugh about his stapler-in-the-jello prank. (I think it’s because they did this on some TV show once so most people already saw it) (Besides Ackley had to leave the room because he felt like retching) (Ackley’s mom used to make green jello with canned grapefruit and serve it with cottage cheese) (can’t blame him, that’s not something I’d exactly eat myself) (but I have heard of more disgusting things) (in fact I was telling Marty and Keith I think I read somewhere that people in Estonia boil pigs’ feet and then add pork and spices and then let it sit) (I said Pork jello, uh, no thanks) (Marty says it’s not jello, it’s ASPIC) (he said he knows because his mother-in-law makes it) (Marty has a smokin’ hot wife, but there’s always a catch, like the aspic you have to eat at the in-laws’ dinner table).

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Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/crazytales562/2206554309/
Published in: on June 1, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment