Don’t worry, be happy

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 24, 1989

too loud to sleep. Pulled on my pants and stumbled in the dark out to the balcony to breathe some of that weird air you get in a storm.

One of the lightning strikes was so close it startled me. Must’ve gasped a little, because a voice from the balcony below me said “don’t worry” and I was pretty embarrassed that a female was more calm than I was. So after she said “don’t worry” I said “be happy.” She laughed. A relief for me. We joked about how tired we were of that song being on the radio all the time. Then she explained that the reason we shouldn’t be worried is that our apartment building has lightning rods. Not sure why she knew that and I didn’t, although it makes sense. I’ve noticed that room on the roof and wondered if air traffic controllers were up there.

The storm ended but we talked into the night. I kept wondering if I should tell her I’m married. Today I looked on her mailbox and found out she’s married too.

Uh oh.


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Published in: on August 16, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Weiner roast

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 3, 1999

Mikey thought he’d make it big with his new barbecuing invention, but he named it Rake Dogs. Huh? I told him to name it Rake Them Over the Coals, even though I myself detest puns. He said that’s too long. What? I said excuse me but one of the coolest product names ever was Super Elastic Bubble Plastic.

Oh well. He’s got bigger problems than a long name. Such as: most people ALREADY OWN A RAKE.


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Published in: on August 13, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (1)  

Storm is brewing

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 4, 2009

then we found the coolest spot in the history of campouts but Jason’s mom kept texting him to come home, so he finally said let’s go and i said no im staying, he said alone? seemed like an ok idea then, but now the clouds are weirding me out. on one side its fine and on the other side it looks like a storm is coming to eat me up. but im staying. otherwise i get to go home and hear my mom saying STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AND GET DOWN HERE AND MAKE YOUR GOOD CHOCOLATE CAKE OR WE’RE HAVING RICE KRISPIE TREATS AGAIN. yeah my GOOD choc cake is from a box w/frosting from a can but to her its a gourmet treat. i keep saying mom youre a lawyer we can afford to buy a cake from a bakery or hire a lady to make the good rice krispie treats instead of those nasty packaged ones. she says times are hard we have to save in case i lose my job. riIIIght. shes a divorce lawyer and people are not gonna stop getting divorced any time this century.

oh well if it starts raining the tent will protect my laptop.


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Published in: on August 12, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

You have to suffer for beauty

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 30, 1966

and I can’t believe she takes her curlers out before she goes to bed and expects her hair to stay curly by morning. I’ve just learned to sleep with the curlers in. Even though the brush part pokes into my head. But I swear up and down that I’ll go to bed that way every night for the rest of my life. Unless I become Mrs. George Harrison and he wants to stroke my hair while we fall asleep.


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Published in: on August 11, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (2)  

My car will tell you who to vote for

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 26, 2008

I started to adorn the roof of my car about a year ago. Luckily I was almost finished with my design by the time I had grown to love Hillary the most. There was just one little bit left to fill — and of course I knew right away that I would use it to advance her cause.

When people see me driving around town, they won’t exactly understand what is happening to them, i.e. the mesmerizing force that will sear through their consciousness and make them finally understand that Hillary has the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. Wait, I think I heard that last part on Prairie Home Companion. But the rest of this is all my idea.

And if anyone covers my design with their evil Edwards campaign stuff, then I’ll scream out loud. There is just something about John Edwards. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’m a little bit psychic and I see some type of deception written all over him.


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Published in: on August 10, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

I need some hired help for my own self

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 4, 1959

if you talk in there, you hear a echo.

So all the other tour people stare and stare at the pretty cherubs on toppa that window, but I ask, what is that brown thing hangin beside it lookin like a oldstyle telephone. She tells me that is a telephone of sorts exceptin it goes straight to the servants room in case you need a glass of ice water or to get your hair brushed out.

I swear you can keep your fancy windows but I need to get me one of them telephones that dials up the butler.


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Published in: on August 9, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Rock star hair

Handwritten page of a diary dated December 9, 1979

would NOT admit this to anyone, but after all these years, I still can only choose a hairstyle if it looks good on some guy who sings a song I’m into.

Here’s what I’ve had so far:

“Subterranean Homesick Blues” by Bob Dylan, who had hair like mine anyway, I just had to grow it some.

“You Shook Me” by Led Zeppelin, and then “Love, Reign o’er Me” by the Who, easy again because Robert Plant and Roger Daltry had hair like Dylan’s only longer.

“Fountain of Sorrow” and yes my life was a downer around that time — NOT just because disco had begun. Mostly because of Barb, or — as she was known back then: THE GIRL WHO CRIED EVERY DAY FOR ALMOST 6 MONTHS STRAIGHT. Had to straighten my hair to make it look like Jackson Browne’s — but that was all part of the suffering.

Later, “Turn to Stone” and “Birmingham Blues.” ELO was one of the only groups around that time that wasn’t dorky. Lucky for me — Jeff Lynne’s hair was curly and long.

Now for my job I can’t have long hair and the only current song I like is “My Sharona” by The Knack — so here I go back to that hair straightener — the smell of which crawls in your nose and tries to kill you.


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Published in: on August 6, 2010 at 4:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Doesn’t look like a turkey to me

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 1, 2006

and Carmen thought I didn’t like her sign because there’s no such word as rotisserated. No. I don’t mind that. At all. I make up words myself sometimes. I told her the real reason I didn’t like the sign was that the feet on the turkey picture looked like human feet. Like human BABY feet.

She said, “The sign painter decided to anthropomorphize that turkey.”

You can make up any big word you want for those turkey legs. My word is “creepy.”


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Published in: on August 5, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (1)  

Hamburger sunny side up

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 24, 1983

so I say Grandpa you can’t have this hamburger every day and he says but it’s your specialty and there aren’t any restaurants that make it that way and I say well I’m glad you like it but it’s not healthy and he says why not it’s just a hamburger not a cheeseburger and I say but hamburger has fat and so does the bacon and he says but avocados are a vegetable and I say no I think they’re a fruit and he says if it’s a fruit it should be sweet and I say lemons aren’t sweet and he says if I make it he’ll add ketchup this time to get a vegetable in there and I say ketchup is full of sugar and he says the public schools consider ketchup a vegetable and I say the public schools give chocolate milk to the kids now and have a pop machine in the hall and he says well eggs are healthy and I say not when they’re fried in butter and he says the bun is good for you and I say white flour sits in your stomach for four days before it digests and he says I bought you a bike when your parents wouldn’t buy you one so I made him the hamburger.


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Published in: on August 4, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (2)  

Jesus woke me up

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 13, 1969

walked all the way into town and then my appointment got cancelled. I decided to go see Steph. Well she didn’t answer but she left the door open so I went in to wait for her. I laid in her bed and listened to her King Crimson album. I guess I fell asleep in her bed. Next thing I knew it was kind of dark and I didn’t know where I was and Jesus was turning on a light. I thought maybe he came to take me home.

But I wasn’t dead and it wasn’t Jesus. It was Steph’s new boyfriend and he made me some hot chocolate and toast.


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Published in: on August 3, 2010 at 4:30 am  Comments (1)