Girl fight

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 3, 1967

a painfully quiet party so I had to do something so I said let’s get the camera and someone start a pretend fight so various people start posing and it gets pretty fun and then the two hottest girls in the room say here look at this and they are pretending to beat hell out of each other and people are loving it and the guys think it’s super sexyrific but then the redhaired girl says HEY you really hit me that time so she hauls off and smacks the brownhaired girl in the mouth and she says HEY and she takes off her shoe and starts pounding the redhaired girl with it and someone says This is going to lead to tears but it didn’t lead to tears it led to bruises and then the party got all deadly quiet again.


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Published in: on October 31, 2010 at 1:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

Spam scares me

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 1, 1998

put out these “gourmet” appetizers. It was just the three of us, and Marlon ate one. He didn’t react badly to it but I was paralyzed. I said oh no I just remembered I left the oven on in my apartment. And I ran home like a scared little girl.

But what else could I do? If that was meat then it looked too close to SPAM — only EVEN SCARIER. And why was it decorated with green frosting?


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Published in: on October 29, 2010 at 11:31 am  Comments (2)  

Nuns packing guns

Handwritten page of a diary dated November 25, 1978

I looked around at my family shoving turkey in their mouths and I said “this must be THE most boring family anywhere west of the Mississippi.” A couple of them said SHUT UP but Uncle George smiled and said “I beg to differ” then he starts listing things that people in this family have done.

He said “we’ll start with your Aunt Mary” and I said “she’s a nun how could she do anything interesting?” so he leaves his plate and goes to get a picture of her with some other nuns and I can’t believe my eyes.

I say “these nuns are like Charlie’s Angels except none of them has great hair” and Uncle George says “THAT WE KNOW OF” and I say “and they talk to a guy they can’t see only it’s not Charlie — it’s God. And they don’t talk to God on a speakerphone” and Uncle George says “THAT WE KNOW OF”


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Published in: on October 27, 2010 at 11:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Disco ball mall

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 17, 1994

because going to the mall is fun UNLESS you go with someone who has to get a specific thing that’s a specific color (of course I mean EVIE).

After about two hours in a mall you’re going around in circles so much and you feel like there’s no exit back into reality. But today at the South Shore Mall I found this little —I don’t know — closet and I have no idea what is the purpose of it, but it’s all sparkly in there like an old-fashioned disco. So I send Evie on her way to the 2 thousandth store and I go in the little closet and close the door and I start singing DO A LITTLE DANCE MAKE A LITTLE LOVE GET DOWN TONIGHT. And then I start dancing. And then people start watching me but I don’t even stop dancing. I think well, they’ll either leave tips for my great dancing, or they’ll send someone in here to arrest me. But what law am I breaking? If you’re going to put a lit up disco closet in your mall, you kind of have to expect this would happen sooner or later.


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Published in: on October 25, 2010 at 3:30 pm  Leave a Comment  

Gift-giving counselor

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 2, 1999

all started the first year we were together. I got him a train ticket to Springfield so he could see the Basketball Hall of Fame — and he got me a Thighmaster. We had our first fight over the Thighmaster.

So Bianca said we needed a gift counselor, and she volunteered to be it.

The next year I gave him the boxed Led Zeppelin CD set and he gave me Vanna White’s book about crocheting afghans. I said I don’t even crochet. He said, but you like Wheel Of Fortune, and Bianca said I should observe you and see what you like and last week you watched Wheel of Fortune. I said, I was stirring something on the stove and I couldn’t get in the other room to turn the channel.

Bianca got more specific and told him it should be something I actually SAY that I want. But just because I said I needed a shovel and it happened to be three days before my birthday does not mean it’s ok to give that to me as a gift. This had better be a giant practical joke and when I open the shovel tomorrow, there had better be something amazing in there, attached to the shovel in some way.


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Published in: on October 21, 2010 at 3:30 pm  Leave a Comment  

Wicked Whoopie

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 27, 2008

so far so good. Still learning stuff about each other, and, knock on wood, so far it’s all workable.

I have noticed that when he stays overnight, he always brings a whoopie pie and sets it next to his stuff on the table by the door. He must eat that for breakfast while he’s driving to work the next morning. But really, who am I to turn my nose up at sugar? I love sugar. In fact, I’ve had a closer look. It’s called “Classic Wicked Whoopie” and it sure looks better than the other ones I’ve seen that come in packages.

Part of me is tempted to ask him where he gets them. But then maybe I’d go there and stock up and then we’d both eat them for breakfast and then maybe we’d find other treats we both crave and we’d end up on a lost weekend and we’d wake up with cookies and ice cream and cakes smeared all over the bed.


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Published in: on October 20, 2010 at 3:00 pm  Comments (1)  

Searching for bunk beds

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 2, 1992

another scavenger hunt? Are you kidding?

He sends me all over town and I’m not kidding, he spared no expense of money or time. And then, huh? bunk bed. We don’t even have bunk beds. I go to the furniture store near our house and — nothing. Then I remember his friend Max, who has a furniture store in a town HALF AN HOUR FROM HERE! I said NO WAY and gave up and went back to the Gold Dragon for potstickers and then to the Y for a couple of laps around the pool.

After that, drying my hair, I started to get curious. Thought hmm, maybe it really was a good gift this time since he made up a much MUCH more elaborate scavenger hunt than he normally does. So I drove to Max’s store and yup, there he was on the top bunk of a bed, with flowers and a


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Published in: on October 19, 2010 at 3:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

I’d let my slip show

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 28, 1982

watered her plants and brought her mail to the nursing home all summer while she recovered from a broken leg. I didn’t expect to be paid which is really ok since she used to do favors for us back when Mom was sick and I was a baby.

But today she told me to find my gift in a black box in an upstairs closet. It’s an old-fashioned slip that looks brand new. I can’t think where I’d ever wear this since I wear jeans all the time and no one would ever wear this kind of thing except under an old-fashioned dress of which Mrs. Anderlock has plenty in that closet because her husband used to take her out for dinner all the time before he died.

The slip fits me though and I look good in it so I’ll keep it in the box just in case someone brings back the fashion of wearing slips — maybe even under a jacket so it would show, ha ha ha. But really, it wouldn’t bother me a bit. I’m tired of the eighties so far with everyone wearing preppy boat shoes and pink leg warmers and teased up hair with their ears showing and


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Published in: on October 18, 2010 at 2:07 pm  Comments (2)  

No career is perfect

Handwritten page of a diary dated March 20, 1999

told me if I was thinking of changing my line of work I should make a list of pros and cons of my current job.


Traveling around the country with my lovely assistant, Ginger.
Making people laugh.
Proving to Dad that I can make a pretty good living without having to wear a suit … or even a shirt.
Working outdoors.


Having my head stepped on.

Sure, there’s only one con, but having headaches every night is a pretty big one. But at least my headaches aren’t from stress, like the headaches suffered by guys who wear suits and work in cubicles.
And Ginger isn’t the kind of girl who wants to live in the suburbs. Ginger might leave me if I quit show business.


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Published in: on October 15, 2010 at 4:30 pm  Comments (1)  


Handwritten page of a diary dated February 22, 1986

and I told her she shouldn’t walk around all day saying “woo-hoo” as if she invented it or something. She said she DID invent that phrase! But I told her “Jennifer, people have been saying that for a long time” and she said “I doubt that.”

I told her I thought I saw it on an album cover once and she said again how very much she doubted it. But really, I went through every one of my mom’s old albums. Then I went through every one of Uncle Ken’s albums, which took about an entire afternoon. Then came the WOO-HOO jackpot at Aunt Karen’s house in her record collection.

Today in school Mrs. Kass in the office let me Xerox Aunt Karen’s album cover since I told her it was for a school project — which it kind of was for a school project because when I got up in homeroom during the “sharing” part, I passed these out so everyone would know the history of WOO-HOO.

Now everyone is calling Jennifer Rock-a-Teen, and she has vowed that I will be very very sorry I did this.


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Published in: on October 14, 2010 at 8:40 pm  Comments (1)