Career day at the strip club

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 22, 1996

because she’s my cousin after all. She let me sneak in and watch her dance. At first I was – YES – a little shocked at the stuff she did, but then I watched the guys in the audience and they were staring at her like there was no one else in the world. I don’t get that kind of attention EVER.

I decided I’d make her teach me and then as soon as I turn 18 or 21 or whatever it is she could get me a job there. Must be better than working in a boring office. I’m shy now, but if she learned to get over that, I could too. Besides the men can’t get near enough to touch her, so she’s safe up there. It was all so dark and mysterious in that room with just the spotlight on her. I loved it.

But then after the show, the lights came on and I saw that the place is a DUMP and the guys who came up to talk to her were drinking smoking drooling idiots. I told her it was fun, but actually, I couldn’t get outta there fast enough.


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Published in: on November 28, 2010 at 4:42 pm  Comments (1)  

Her computer is acting up AGAIN

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 17, 1998

and when I got to work Amy said she’d ALREADY had the tech guy downstairs to look at our computer. She had drawn a picture that looked like him. Almost exactly. He gets so mad at her for calling all the time. Sometimes she does it three or four times a week. If he only knew how much she likes him. Even when he’s screaming at her.

Then I said Wait. You drew the shoes exactly like you drew the hair. She says I’ll call him again later today and you can see the shoes he’s wearing. They’re kind of furry. I said Amy, were they slippers? and she said, Hmm. Maybe. And she smiled like that would just make him all the more desirable.

I said, he wasn’t really wearing yellow glasses was he? She said no, but he was wearing a yellow sweatshirt and it smelled like the kind of laundry detergent her grandma used to use.


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Published in: on November 24, 2010 at 6:30 pm  Leave a Comment  

End the Cheese Whiz madness

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 31, 1974

put my two beeYOUtiful pizzas in the oven and run upstairs to take a shower. Come back down and take them out of the oven. What do I see? One of them has been defaced with big globs of Cheese Whiz!!! Stupid Ronnie is going through a Cheese Whiz obsession. Won’t eat anything unless it has some on it. Damn it Ronnie there’s orange rubber on here, I scream — and he, from the other room, says Sorry.

I eat a slice of the untainted pizza and try to remind myself that this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, and he comes in and asks if I know that Cheese Whiz was born in the same year we were?

Yeah Ronnie, well so was WD-40, but I don’t want any of that on top of the pizza either.


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Published in: on November 21, 2010 at 12:09 pm  Leave a Comment  

Ugly shoes on a beautiful day

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 30, 2005

flirting with the best looking person I’ve ever seen on our planet when I hear her shrieking my name. I quickly try to decide whether to tell him where we’re staying, but I’m so embarrassed I just slink away.

And all mom wants is to show me some shoes in a shop window. AND THEY’RE HORRIFYING. I say no and she says they look comfortable and she walks in the store and just as she’s trying them on, he walks in. He picks up one of the plaid shoes and says, loud enough so we can hear, these look very COMFORTABLE, do you have any shoes like this for men? And then he says to my mom, oh, you’re trying them on, how do they feel? And she says it feels like her “pretty little toes are walking on sunshine” and I almost crawl under the chair.

He sits down and tries on some brown suede sandals and they keep chatting it up, and pretty soon she invites him to have lunch with us!!!!!!!  Can you believe how fast things can go from good to dreadful and back to good again?


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Published in: on November 18, 2010 at 12:38 am  Comments (1)  

An even harder lesson than Algebra

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 17, 1967

doodled my way through Algebra today. Thinking about my Martin problem.

The history of us so far:

* Martin ignores me for the first two months of this class.
* I decide to grow my hair out, which must make me look 10 times better because Martin starts looking at me more.
* Martin leans over on the Wednesday before Valentines Day and even though it’s the first time he’s ever spoken to me — he asks me to go to the dance. I say Yeah I guess so — when of course I’d be doing a happy jig if I wasn’t trying to act like it’s barely a big deal. After that for the rest of the day I’m singing the song HAPPY TOGETHER by the Turtles.
*We go to the dance and he looks so cute wearing a suit (I’m a poet and didn’t know it) and every time we’re fastdancing, I’m praying for another slowdance song. And the kiss at the end of the night is super amazing.
* Yesterday on the official Valentines Day he passes me a note in Algebra. Says he’s coming over to my house at 7:30 p.m. which is good because my family will be watching I Dream of Jeannie and they won’t even notice if I sneak out a while.
* He comes over and brings me a little chocolate heart and we go for a walk around my neighborhood and I start to notice that he laughs when I say something funny but if I don’t talk he hardly ever says anything. I mean sure it’s fun holding hands but I start to get bored after about a half hour of entertaining him so I say I’d better get back before I Dream of Jeannie is over. Even though my parents will probably watch the Jerry Lewis Show too.
* Thursday he says before Algebra that he will come over tonight at 8 and I think OK I’ll give him another chance to be more fun since maybe he was nervous about the first walk. So I tell him tonight is Batman, The Flying Nun, Bewitched, That Girl and Payton Place so we’ll have more time to talk.
* We walk around in the dark for two solid hours and I think hmmm, STILL a cute boy in all this moonlight and STILL a great kisser — but STILL one thousand times more boring than ANYONE I ever met.

Oh no! Is it even possible that the bestlooking guy is not the one I want? This complicates my WHOLE LIFE.


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Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 4:00 pm  Leave a Comment  

We’ll need more sugar

Handwritten page of a diary dated March 5, 2008

and I think Bernice already started to make the wedding cake for me (whoops, I should say for US since the reason she’s making it is because she is Freddie’s next-door neighbor). But then I saw the cake this Nigerian couple had. Her dress is OK but not as pretty as mine so really — think about how beautiful MY cake would be with my dress as pretty as it is. That bride doesn’t even look happy to cut into herself, but I WOULD be happy because my guests would be able to bite into my pretty pretty dress. PLUS I’m taller, so my lifesize cake would be taller than the one in the picture and I could invite the extra 100 people I really wanted to invite in the first place if they don’t mind a last-minute invitation. I don’t think Bernice will mind because she loves Freddie and Freddie loves me. The cake has grown a lot since she started assembling it from the first picture I showed her, but I’ll send Freddie to the store to buy her some extra sugar or whatever bakers need.


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Published in: on November 8, 2010 at 3:45 pm  Leave a Comment  

Mermaid Brand Oysters

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 14, 1964

I always liked mermaids, but now I saw a sign for oysters called Mermaid oysters, and the mermaid on the sign is the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen. I love her so much that I want to learn to like oysters even though they are the slimiest food in the world.

I went to the library and I learned that ancient Romans loved oysters and sent their slaves to England to collect oysters to bring back for them. I learned that oysters have colorless blood. And I learned that when some little outside object gets trapped inside an oyster, it produces some calcium and protein to coat the object and over time, it becomes a pearl. I have a genuine pearl on a locket and now I look at it in a whole new way.

I hope when I’m an adult, I will look like that mermaid on the sign. Even if it means I will have to grow a tail, I wouldn’t mind. I really wouldn’t.


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Published in: on November 4, 2010 at 1:10 pm  Leave a Comment  

Long-lost cousins on the River Clyde

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 16, 2006

called me and told me to look at this picture on his Scotland vacation web site. He wrote this under it:

“This is a picture of the back of my head as we sailed the River Clyde. I put this picture up for Molly because she told me her ancestors lived on the banks of the River Clyde, and that’s where this boat is sailing. She doesn’t know exactly where they lived. For all she knows it coulda been right on this very land. Maybe those kids are related to her from somewhere a long way back. I think the one most likely to be related to her is the kid holding the white and brown flags and waving and shouting over to us. Molly’s not the waving and shouting type, but the whole rest of her family is.”

Wow. When I said that ONE thing to him about Scotland (while he was talking to Nancy before he left) that’s the first conversation he and I ever had!!!! I didn’t even know he knew my name!!!! Since when does he happen to know about about my raucous family?


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Published in: on November 2, 2010 at 7:31 pm  Leave a Comment