‘Hall Pass’

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 22, 2011

saw a tv commercial for the new movie “Hall Pass.” Looks like it’s about these women who decide to let their husbands go out and have a little time off from marriage and do whatever they want to do. It reminded me of something that happened once with Barry. So I looked around in my diary from back then and found this page:

July 19, 1986

Got home from vacation. Turned out ok, but Barry was too quiet at first. Ever since we got engaged, he’s been acting funny. Having doubts maybe.

Every time we were on the beach, he kept ogling teenage girls in bikinis. I didn’t say anything till he actually started sighing. Then I came straight out and asked him if he was regretting being tied down. He said “Not really” which wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for.

So I made the offer. I said, straight out, I’d meet him back at that very spot in 24 hours. Whatever he did between now and then, no questions asked. He said, “Yeah, right.” When he saw I was serious, he kind of laughed. Nervously. Then he said he didn’t have any money to sleep somewhere so I handed him half of what was in my purse. Kept asking me if this was a test and I said no, we’ll never talk about it again after tomorrow. He looked like he was about to walk away but then he said “Wait. What are you going to do?” I smiled and said “Hey, I said no questions asked.” But then he wasn’t smiling any more. He said, “Oh.”

And that was the end of it. We had a nice dinner and slow danced at a small club and he’s been fine ever since.

So I don’t have to see the movie. I invented the hall pass. And sure we broke up later, but that had more to do with the


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Published in: on February 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm  Comments (2)  

Everybody Wang Chung tonight

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 2, 1987

east end boys west end girls. Yes I did buy the Pet Shop Boys CD even though I don’t even have a CD player yet. I was THAT sure I’d get one for my birthday. I told Dad to drop the hint to Grandma June and Grandpa Bob because they always buy me something big.

Janice said if I got the player, she would most definitely buy the Mr. Mister CD (whatever) (she walks around all day singing TAKE … these broken wings. So I guess it would’ve been better than hearing her sing it).

Anyway. The box looked like the right size but when I ripped the bow off and opened it, there’s this plastic RECORD PLAYER and a flaming hot poker of pain ripped my brain in two.

Grandma June says they remembered how much I loved the Fonz. Did she happen to realize the key word in that statement was LOVED, as in the past tense, as in that was TEN FULL YEARS AGO!!!

She said they saw it in a little store with “high-end used treasures” and it “cost a pretty penny” but they figured I have a lot of RECORDS already plus it’s portable and they could just see me taking it to PARTIES.

Yay. I’ll walk in and say, does anybody at this PARTY have the new Wang Chung on vinyl, because look what I’ve brought — my FONZ record player!


Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/44124372363@N01/1877079444

Published in: on February 25, 2011 at 12:48 am  Leave a Comment  

TV trays

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 21, 1999

wanted to pull over because he saw an antique shop. Of course. He’s as bad as my grandma.

Wanted to borrow 10 bucks so he could get this cast iron pan “perfectly seasoned and not a bit of rust on it.” So I said he could borrow the 10 bucks if he borrowed 20 instead and also bought the TV trays I found.

He said it wasn’t fair and I said the person with the money has all the power, then I walked away and looked at other stuff. He came up behind me and said TV trays are “so 1950s” as if he didn’t already know how stubborn I am when I want something. But if he didn’t know before he does now.

He was right. Steaks fried in that cast iron pan ARE better and especially when he unfolds the TV tray and serves me while I’m watching the Drew Carey show or Mystery Science Theater 3000.


Original image:http://www.flickr.com/photos/locator/605292096/
Published in: on February 22, 2011 at 10:59 am  Comments (3)  

Topless Commodore 64 player

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 15, 1996

trying to teach him about setting his sights higher.

I said what would you want if you could have ANYTHING? He said he would want to walk into his bedroom and see a topless girl on the bottom bunk bed, playing soccer on his Commodore 64.

I said, seriously? Brandon? I said ANYTHING.

He said yeah, I could die happy if that happened.

I am really half tempted to get one of my friends to go in his room and do that, just so he’ll learn to make goals beyond the first thing that comes into his head.


Original image: http://wallbase.net/wallpaper/613923
Published in: on February 20, 2011 at 8:30 am  Comments (2)  

How much candy do you need?

Handwritten page of a diary dated March 11, 2010

Tuesday was the first day she moved up from Advertising and right away I noticed that she’s eating candy just CONSTANTLY. As soon as I could I went to Grant’s office and asked if he’d noticed it and he said yeah that skinny thing is making me mad already. I said yeah right? Grant and I just absolutely hate it when someone skinnier than us gets to eat whatever they want.

We watched her for a while then yesterday when she left early, we decided to look at her candy stash. omg!!!!!!! it’s craziness. I haven’t seen that much candy since I last shopped at the concession stand at the Murphy Park swimming pool in the summer of 1992 and everyone was singing “Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long.”

Grant took a picture of her candy drawers on his phone because he said if we didn’t have proof tomorrow we might wonder if we had dreamed it.


Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sowrey/4336176305/in/photostream/

Published in: on February 19, 2011 at 12:14 am  Comments (1)  

bread & butter

Handwritten page of a diary dated November 28, 2006

really thought eating at Aunt Betty’s house was going to be pretty amazing. The first night I was there we watched her DVD of Napoleon Dynamite then when it was over she said that movie made me want some TOTS so she brought out this Fry Daddy machine then filled it with oil then got some tater tots out of the freezer along with a package of corn dogs. I thought it was a pretty excellent meal until an hour later when I started to feel like the food was still rolling around in me & grease was coming out of all the little holes in my skin.

I survived that week because once in a while I snuck in her refrigerator to get a carrot or an apple but who would ever think you’d have to sneak that stuff, or that an adult would say, hey, don’t eat those apples I’m going to make a pie with them.

When I got home my mom said what do you want for lunch? I said just bread & butter—because at Aunt Betty’s you just get this store brand bread that tastes pretty much like someone put some pure white cardboard in a machine to shape it & fluff it up. My mom’s not as much fun as Aunt Betty, but I’m starting to think her kitchen is a pretty good place to eat.


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Published in: on February 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm  Comments (1)  

Why can’t I make out with a monk?

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 1, 1974

SO amped up about some pictures Uncle Larry showed me of houses on top of mountain peaks. I fell perfectly in LOVE with them and I told him I wanted to live there but then he said, don’t get too psyched — those are monasteries!

Here are some reasons I could not be a monk:
Some day I might want to try getting drunk.
I like to go shopping and buy a lot of junk.
Plus I am a GIRL who wants to kiss a hunk.

I showed this poem to Larry. He said he thinks monks drink wine. And maybe I could get in if I dressed like a boy. But he thinks I’d still have to give up shopping. And he said even if there was a hunky monk there for me to look at — that monk has probably given up kissing.


Original image: http://www.edwebproject.org/balkans/meteora.html
Published in: on February 14, 2011 at 7:30 am  Comments (1)  

Santa will die

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 18, 1976

but putting magic marker all over my Kiss poster was the final straw. I don’t care if she’s only 5 years old I vowed to make her life miserable and today was my first opportunity.

We played at that mini golf place out on the highway and the guy in front of us had white hair. I said Jenny look it’s Santa and she smiled at him.

But then whenever Mom wasn’t in hearing distance I said stuff like Look Jenny, Santa’s lost a lot of weight. He doesn’t have rosy cheeks any more. He musta gotten sick since last Christmas. See how different he looks than when you saw him at the mall? I guess he could be anorexic now. I think Santa might drop dead at any moment. I bet his reindeer will starve to death after he’s not around to feed them any more. I doubt if you’ll get any presents next Christmas.

See how I did that all gradual-like? I am so good at being devious because I’m patient enough to drag it out. By the time we got back in the car Jenny was crying her head off and you know how much Mom was able to figure out why? A big ZERO that’s how much.


Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pelicanwind/469605857/in/photostream/
Published in: on February 13, 2011 at 10:24 am  Comments (1)  

This hot kiss never happened

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 9, 2002

looked dumpy from the outside but Angel said she was sure I’d thank her for taking me there.

The music was pretty good and I was dying to get out on the dance floor so I accepted a dance from a guy I normally would’ve said no to. Luckily he smelled good so I just closed my eyes and went with it. We started on the side of the room with red lights, but next time I opened my eyes I could see he had swayed us over to the blue-light side. I also notice he was wearing way way too much hair gel but it didn’t stop me from kissing him.

I said ‘I’ll never see you after tonight.’ And he said ‘Good.’
I said ‘I’m not telling you my name.’ And he said ‘I don’t even have a name.’

I felt like a different person in that club which was weird but fun. Of course if I go back there and he’s there, he’ll think I went back to look for him.


Original image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/timailius/2068479516/in/set-72157605127150125/
Published in: on February 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm  Comments (1)  

Not so naked after all

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 31, 1997

mom and dad’s vacation pics are usually so boring but when they were flipping through them I saw one that had a naked woman in it.

Later when there was no one else in the house I went back to look again but then found out the woman is not naked at all. Just pretending to be naked. Don’t ask me why she is walking through a restaurant trying to pretend to be naked by wearing clothes that look like skin. Maybe she just likes attention. Which also could be why she is dancing with her head right underneath the chandelier.

She is so pretty she doesn’t even need to dance to get people’s attention. Or wear a flashy getup. Believe me if I were in that restaurant I would look at her anyway. The one year when I ask not to be dragged along on their vacation and they happen to see someone like that. That does not look like any person who would ever move to this boring town and believe me, if she ever did I would volunteer to show her around.


Photo courtesy of Andy Levine
Published in: on February 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm  Comments (2)