The Good Witch

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 17, 1965

that’s what’s so great about summer. And with no bedtime I’ve been watching TV till it signs off in the middle of the night. My new favorite thing is those old movies with men in tuxedos and women in big fluffy dresses and they dance up and down and around on a set that looks like a big wedding cake and nobody has a care in the world about how the real world looks.

A few nights ago they played this old movie called “The Great Ziegfeld” and it was about this guy who put on those fluffy kinds of shows on Broadway and he married this girl named Billie Burke. Boy, that name sounded familiar, so I went to the library and I looked her up and I found out she was the actress who played only the most beautiful woman in the world—THE GOOD WITCH in THE WIZARD OF OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Published in: on March 29, 2011 at 11:10 am  Leave a Comment  

Lost and gone forever

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 27, 2005

just can’t find it. It’s killing me because I’ve looked everywhere.

I remember when I’d lose a toy or a book or something, Mom used to say – “Well it didn’t just get up and walk out of here.” But I think that picture did just get up and walk out of here.

I can NOT ask Freddy to print me another copy of it. Then he’d think I still cared, which, of course, I don’t. I just hate losing things.


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Published in: on March 27, 2011 at 3:39 pm  Comments (1)  

Skeletal remains

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 3, 1989

the three of us were having a good time until they tried to get me to touch the skeleton. Liking antiques does not mean I wanna touch someone who used to be walking around with live muscles and blood and skin all around those bones.

I was so creeped out that they both touched it and Justin actually held its hand. Later he told me if I had gotten close enough to that skeleton I woulda seen that it was made out of some kind of plastic, but I think he woulda saved me a lot of heebie-jeebiness if he’d just told me that in the first place.


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Published in: on March 24, 2011 at 7:35 am  Leave a Comment  

Lobotomy, and make it quick

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 4, 2007

pretty sure the sign is someone’s idea of a joke. But if it’s not a joke, here are some people who should sign up for a quick lobotomy.

1. Uncle Len who can’t have a conversation without talking about how scud missiles were the star of the Gulf War just like the character of Balki was the star of the TV show “Perfect Strangers.”
2. Wait wait. There’s no use making a list because pretty much everyone else in this family needs a lobotomy almost as badly as Uncle Len needs one.


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Published in: on March 22, 2011 at 9:55 am  Comments (2)  

My mom and Scott Baio sittin’ in a tree

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 21, 1984

used to make me watch all the afterschool specials on any of the channels. I kept telling her that it wasn’t good for a guy my age to sit too long watching TV because that’s what Bumpy’s mom always tells him — “Go outside and play like a normal kid.” Bumpy used that to get a new basketball hoop that actually has a net on it by telling her that shooting hoops would keep him off the davenport.

So I’d finally had Mom talked out of the stupid rule when she saw in the paper that Scott Baio is starring in an afterschool special called “All the Kids Do It.” She loves Scott Baio which if you ask me is a little weird. She pasted his picture over the big picture she liked of herself as a teenager.

I said the movie will either be about drugs or drinking or premarital sex, they always are and I’ve seen enough movies already to be scared straight for all the teenage years of my next ten lifetimes. She said yes, it is about drinking, BUT IT HAS SCOTT BAIO IN IT.


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Published in: on March 19, 2011 at 5:57 pm  Leave a Comment  

‘Smokey Bear’

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 21, 1983

she told me she found some of my old books in the attic and she put my favorite one on the kitchen table. I went in to check it out and I did kind of remember it. But frankly I’m not sure it’s such a great message. Should little kids with no parents around be talking to a guy with just jeans on and no shirt? OK no I know he’s not a guy but talking to a bear seems like just as bad doesn’t it? Either way there’s an axe within his reach and I’ve heard some terrifying axe murder stories at camp (and not very many of them have a happy ending). And believe you me, the story of Lizzie Borden is no picnic and that one is true true and more true. And it  happened here in Massachusetts. It happened so long ago that even Grandma hadn’t been born yet but the reason I know it is true because I read about it in a book at the library.

Grandpa has a giant axe in his garage.


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Published in: on March 18, 2011 at 4:28 pm  Comments (1)  

Clown Motel

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 25, 1999

Is it the Chucky movies? He said no, Chucky was a doll, not a clown.

I said, then tell me what movie had a scary clown … EXCEPT that one scene in Poltergeist, which lasted only about three seconds. If that long.

He said there’s a Stephen King movie named “It” with a clown who kills children, but I’ve never heard of it and I think he might be making that one up.

All I know is I was ready to stop driving and I spotted a perfectly good motel, but nooooooo. He was having a heart attack because it was called the Clown Motel. Now that he can’t drive for a while I think I’m the one who gets to decide when it’s time to stop for the night.

Then the big baby said he needed a nap too, but he would rather sleep in the car than sleep in the Clown Motel. I said “Good thing you have your pillow.” I went in and took a nap but I left a room key for him because I was sure he’d give in. I woke up hungry for supper and went looking for him and damned if he wasn’t actually sleeping in the boiling hot car.


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Published in: on March 16, 2011 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  

How dead are we?

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 7, 1967

then she said she’d make it if we promised that someone cleaned the bowl before we went out.

We said sure sure. It’s THE popcorn. And if she’s gonna let us eat it for breakfast, then it’s worth cleaning the bowl.

It was. UNTIL we ate about 3/4 of the bowl and we could barely stand to look at it any more. Then there was a lot of “you clean it” “no you clean it” “no you” “no you.”

So we decided to turn the TV on and watch The Monkees before we cleaned the bowl. I’ve decided I love Mickey now, which is good timing because Mary had dibs on Mickey but now she is back to Davey again.

Then we wanted to walk to the playground to see if those guys from Roosevelt were there again, so I said let’s just put water in the bowl to soak it and it’ll be easier to clean when we get home.

But those guys from Roosevelt WERE there and we stayed talking to them. A long long time. So long that when we got back, Mom’s car was back. And we knew we were dead if she looked in the kitchen sink. But we were even more dead than that. Here is a list of people who are LESS dead than we are today:

1. That woman who played Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched and had to be replaced with a new Mrs. Kravitz
2. Marilyn Monroe
3. Guy who played Superman
4. George Washington
5. King Tut


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Published in: on March 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm  Comments (1)  



Handwritten page of a diary dated March 25, 1961

kept asking me about gravity. I said is this for a school project? Because I’m not doing your homework for you.

But he said no, he was just interested in gravity. I said you did get a children’s encyclopedia for Christmas which I guess he had forgotten, so he said mom usually reaches up to get it off the shelf so I got it down for him and he started reading it and I went back to my telephone call.

Then later last night after he went to bed I was on the telephone again (ha ha, yes, talking to Barbara) and I heard in my other ear a piercing scream. I go running up the steps thinking the boogieman was kidnapping him but gol, all it was was was a nightmare.

I asked him what the dream was about and he said something about the rapid spinning of the earth would throw everything off into space. Wonder where he got a dopey idea like that.


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Published in: on March 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm  Leave a Comment  

Charles Nelson Reilly

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 2, 1973

wouldn’t drive me to the shopping center.

Yeah ma, you might go mentally insane if you miss The Match Game for one day. Can’t get enough of Charles Nelson Reilly. If that show ever goes off the air (which I doubt could happen) my mother will fall apart.

I said “Mom, you know Charles Nelson Reilly is gay. Right?” and she said “no, you’re thinking of Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares.” OK mom.

Then I asked her if she knew my friend Willie is gay, and she said, “I know you’re telling me that just so I’ll let you two do homework in your bedroom with the door closed.” I said he really is gay, which he is, and she said “No. He looks like one of those boys on your favorite show.”

What favorite show? I don’t even like TV all that much.

Oh oh oh. She must mean Mod Squad. I do like that show.


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Published in: on March 9, 2011 at 2:37 pm  Comments (2)