Sibling rivalry

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 18, 1980

been two weeks since he got mad at me at the dinner table. I was minding my own business eating, and he said “when you take a bite you always drag your fork along the top of your teeth and the sound is getting on my nerves.”

I actually tried not to do it for a while but I guess I did it again because he started screaming and he got up from the table and I found out later he got a magic marker from my pencil can and scribbled it all over my Led Zeppelin poster that you can’t even find any more and I’ve been offered $100 for it by Tim, even though I would NEVER sell it.

I was waiting for my revenge. I told him he didn’t know when it was coming, but that he would pay like he’s never paid before, when he leasts expects it — and maybe more than once.

So today was my first one. He came home from fishing and he was toweling off his legs because he and Clem went wading in the muddy river bottom. So I told him that a towel wasn’t going to get off the microscopic little aquatic fleas he must have crawling around on his skin. He acted like he didn’t care, but he went up to the shower pretty fast. Meanwhile I went to the encyclopedia and bookmarked a picture of the Cladocera aquatic flea. He came down all clean and I said, “You think a shower is going to get those things off you? They can cling to your leg hairs.” He said “no way, they can’t hang on after I washed with soap.”

So I showed him all the tendrils on the Cladocera, and told him he might want to think about shaving his legs. He said no way. I said “ok, but if you look at the fine print, you’ll see that the Cladocera is a crustacean. And look, he even has tendrils coming out of his nostrils!”

And sure enough, by the end of the day, HE SHAVED HIS LEGS! Because I’m good at revenge, and the sooner everyone learns that, the better off they’ll be.


Original image:
Published in: on April 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm  Comments (3)  


Handwritten page of a diary dated December 25, 1971

and he did ask for a more mod suit to wear to college dances. A darker blue would’ve been better, but at least now maybe he will get rid of the plaid one he usually wears, which makes  him look as dopey as Grandpa Johnson. (OF COURSE he will still look like a weirdo with that dumb mustache). But until he unwrapped his presents this morning I didn’t know he also asked Grandma for the stupidest 45 ever recorded, namely Chick-a-Boom. I could’ve told him about ten thousand records that would be so much less embarrassing to take to the dorm, but he heard that song on my transistor and he kept talking about it. Ick.

Now the whole family is walking around like a line of drunken chorus girls singing Chick a boom chick a boom don’t you jus love it. With Uncle Harold singing the ooh ahh part. I think I might die.

I must admit there was one thing that made me laugh. Grandma Johnson (in her polka dot dress) volunteered to sing the first verse, and it’s pretty funny to see her holding an ice cream scoop up to her mouth like a microphone and singing “Last night I had a crazy dream about a chick in a black bikini.”


Original image:
Published in: on April 21, 2011 at 12:48 pm  Comments (4)  

‘In Heaven There is No Beer’

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 2, 1979

then she admitted that I’d be the youngest guy there. But she hadn’t gone anywhere since grandpa died, and she didn’t want to go alone. A big dilemma if you ask me. Plus when I said yes I didn’t even know the band would have an ACCORDION player. It was practically like the polka shows you see on TV on Sunday afternoons.

For a while I was just sitting at a table with her but then some guy (younger than her!) came over and asked her to dance.

I got bored. Started wandering around seeing if I could spot some lady with white hair who might like the thrill of dancing with me, ha ha ha. Then I found one who looked like Aunty Em from the Wizard of Oz. But she said no thank you son. Son?

Then the band played this song called In Heaven There is No Beer That’s Why We Drink it Here. It wasn’t the worst song I ever heard and it made me think dancing would really beat walking around. So I asked another old lady but this one had brown hair and she said SURE. Ended up having some laughs. I hope the Aunty Em lady saw us and realized she made a big fat mistake by turning me down.


Original image:

Published in: on April 13, 2011 at 1:08 pm  Comments (1)  

Two redheads named Ron

Handwritten page of a diary dated November 23, 2001

get a plum spot to watch the parade and it’s a gorgeous day and everything is good until Zeke sees the tear in Ronald McDonald’s arm, and goes berserk. That’s all he talked about for weeks was seeing Ronald. And now this.

It started when he was asking why there aren’t any famous people with red hair. Prince Harry, Ben on the Waltons, Carrot Top, Oapie on Andy Griffith, Bonnie Raitt, Danny Bonaduce, Molly Ringwald, Donna on That 70s Show. Nothing impressed him. Not even Nicole Kidman. He saw a preview of Moulin Rouge and he said she’s pretty, but he’s never heard of her. I finally quieted him down by showing him a picture of Ronald McDonald.

Now, since the AMPUTATION, the only thing left I can do is to take him to see the new movie ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’ because I heard the kid who plays Ron has red hair.


Original image:

Published in: on April 10, 2011 at 4:47 pm  Leave a Comment  

Afraid of a Band-aid

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 1, 1990

SUPPOSEDLY dating some new girl from West High, but we hadn’t even seen her and were starting to wonder if she really existed.

The two of them go on this trip into the city and he comes back with this photo he took while they were waiting for the train.

Most of the guys were all kinda moaning over her great legs except two —

Hunter said if you take a picture of a female from the short skirt on down then you are just objectifying her. We think he said that because Melissa was there at the time and Hunter wanted to sound like a sensitive new age guy.

And Barry. Well Barry was all flipping out because the girl was wearing a Bandaid on her foot (which no one else noticed but him) (he thinks Bandaids are completely gross and ever since we found one floating in the James Park pool last June, he won’t even go swimming with us any more).


Original image:
Published in: on April 8, 2011 at 5:32 pm  Comments (2)  

It’s not a whip

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 22, 1992

so they keep dragging me to Salvation Army stores to look for Halloween costume stuff. Whatever. I’ve known what I’m wearing for quite a while, so I just look at the old books.
Today I spotted a bunch of old sewing patterns wrapped in a rubber band. I see this one that has a blond lady holding a … well, I couldn’t figure out what it was.
Called Justin over and he said those look like strict mistresses and so he thought it was a whip she’s holding. A whip? What’s the round part? I don’t think so.
Nat said it looks like a thing her grandma uses to sift flour. She said you could pour flour through that tube thing and the black can might have a piece of screen on the bottom to stop the clumps of flour from getting into your cake batter.
Amanda said it’s some kind of thing you use to squirt kerosene on a fire. She said look, there’s a big bandage on her arm because she got too close to the fire. But I told her that wasn’t a bandage, it was just where the top layer of the paper was ripped.
Josh wouldn’t even look at the blond woman. He said, Look at the woman with the purple blouse. Nat said, Oh yeah you mean you like her because she has Princess Leia hair? He said, No I like her because you can see she’s not wearing a bra. And that little perv bought the pattern!!!


Original image:

Published in: on April 4, 2011 at 5:21 pm  Comments (2)  

‘sleeping and resting’

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 25, 1985

went to see Terminator at least four times last semester, and she always says “I’ll be back” with Arnold’s accent, so it seemed like Drowsinator was the perfect nickname for her ever since she started sleeping about twice as much as any of the rest of us. Yesterday she pulled that flannel blanket out of her backpack and went to sleep in the middle of our picnic on the back campus lawn.

Lenny is the most worried. He said we need to go over the basics — she sure doesn’t seem depressed, so maybe it’s from a mosquito bite. Jeannie said I think you’re thinking of a tick. And I said I think you’re thinking of a tsetse fly, which we don’t have in this country.

When she woke up and got razzed again for sleeping all the time, she told us Mark Twain said “I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting” — and he lived to be 74.

Lenny thought she was making that up so he went to look it up in the library on his way home and when he got back to the dorm he said yeah, Mark Twain really did say that.


Original image:

Published in: on April 3, 2011 at 2:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

‘Let me be by myself in the evening breeze …’

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 12, 1983

asked them to show me around the cabin thinking I’d see the bedroom and she said there’s really only this one room. So I’m thinking, great, two nights, me and this married couple and there’s no escape? She did say it wouldn’t cool off much at night, so if I got hot sleeping on the old couch, there’s a bed “out back” and I thought — whew, if they need some privacy I’ll just go out to the porch or the tent or whatever it is.

Turns out it’s not only just a bed out in the open, it’s not even much of a bed, which I found out the hard way at 3 a.m. when the sound of the squeaky springs on their rollaway bed woke me up. Gathered up my sleeping bag as quietly as I could and tiptoed out the backdoor.

Actually it was pretty nice out there under the stars. Little breeze made a swish noise with the leaves. Except for the mosquito bite on my eyelid, it wasn’t bad. If I can find some mosquito net to twist around my head, I might be out there again tonight.


Original image:

Published in: on April 1, 2011 at 10:13 am  Comments (1)