any Man!

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 14, 1971

…  seemed like such a sweet guy, which is why I was floored when he opened the door for me and I finally noticed we were in kind of a sketchy part of town.

He walks us over to a grimy looking movie theater and the poster for the movie was … well, not what I was expecting.

He must’ve seen the look on my face, because he pointed out that the movie was R rated instead of X, so he thought it might just be funny instead of like porn.

I still hadn’t said a word and he said, look, she’s got boots like the ones you’re wearing – which I didn’t find all that comforting and he must’ve sensed it because he then said, OR if you’d rather go to that party your roommate mentioned. I said yeah that might be a good idea.


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Published in: on August 25, 2011 at 12:27 am  Comments (3)  

The mermaid and the starfish

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 25, 1962

…  because Freddy (my nephew Freddy, not my ex-boyfriend Freddy) (of course) said I could read the essay he wrote.

I unzipped his 3-ring binder and a page from a magazine fell out. Now either he is shopping for a new bathing suit, or he is feeling lustful about a scantily dressed mermaid. I didn’t want to embarrass him, but … well, I did think it was funny, so I asked him about it. He hemmed and hawed and finally said “Oh, we’re studying mermaids in … um … Biology class … no … I mean Art class.”

So I told him I wanted some drawings or paintings for my refrigerator. Now he’ll feel obligated to do it. Tee hee.


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Published in: on August 20, 2011 at 5:59 pm  Comments (2)  

Engelbert Humperdinck or Brad Pitt

Handwritten page of a diary dated December 23, 1995

…  she’s all excited because I got her the new album she wanted. Was it by her favorite singer — Engelbert Humperdinkel? Yes it was. I even gave it to her a few days early because she’s hosting an Xmas party with all the other old ladies from her office and I thought she would wanta play the songs (Xmas songs) and of course she is, I can hear it down there blasting away and I’m thinking of my hard-earned babysitting money I spent on it. Oh well I’m pretty sure she got me the VCR I wanted.

This morning when I gave it to her she told me she saw Engelbert when she was young and she thought she was about to die because she wanted to kiss him on his beautiful lips. I looked at the album cover and said sorry Grandma I just don’t see it. He’s not exactly Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall.

So she went to her scrapbook and got out an old black and white picture of him. I said Ohhhhh. Yeah!!! OK I get it.

Carry on old ladies.


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Published in: on August 18, 2011 at 3:04 am  Leave a Comment  

C’mon Ma

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 29, 1970

…  kept arguing with her about the camera angles. He said ‘C’mon, Ma, I hafta look good here to send this photo to the girl in Jersey’ and she said ‘I’m tryin I’m tryin.’

He’s my cousin? Too weird. I can’t believe we’re from the same grandparents. I thought I’d get a chance to see New York City, but so far, we just hang around in Brooklyn.

He said ‘Ma, don’t back up so much! This is a picture of me, not your precious davenport’ and she said ‘But it wouldn’t hurt to have a picture of my furniture while it’s still nice, before you kids trash this one up like the last one.’


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Published in: on August 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm  Leave a Comment  

no thank u gramma

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 17, 2009

…  came home from the garage sale with an old pattern. she’s like, “u know how i’ve been wanting to crochet something for u?” i think “oh no.”
but it was even worse than i thought.
i’m like, “that may be a little old-timey” and she’s like “no, it has a date on it from this summer.”
i’m like “that woman is wearing pantyhose with her slippers” and she’s like “they wouldn’t have to be slippers. i could glue something sturdy on the bottom and u could wear them to a party or to school.”
after I had a heart attack i’m like “no thank u gramma” and she’s like “ok then i’ll make some for myself and ur gonna be wanting some 2.”


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Published in: on August 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm  Comments (2)  

‘Stairway to Heaven’

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 13, 1973

since Mom brought home her new boyfriend Ken. He’s OK I guess because he listens to albums with me. Then last night they were sitting around talking about what the three of us should have for supper and Ken said How about if I buy a bunch of lobsters? He said he loves lobster but you never get very much and he wanted to finally have ENOUGH lobster. Yeah, I know what he means because Mom’s always saying it’s so expensive you can only have a little at a time. Even though I told Ken I heard of some kids in Maine who get tired of lobster because they have it too much. I can’t even imagine that!!!
He said “you know how every time we play the Led Zeppelin Four album you want to skip over Stairway to Heaven because you heard it a hundred million times on the radio already? Well that’s the way they feel about lobster. Too much of a good thing. And you know that song Free Bird on your new Lynyrd Skynyrd album? I think you’re gonna feel that same way about Free Bird some day.”
Is he cracked? I don’t think I could ever be tired of Free Bird.


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Published in: on August 4, 2011 at 4:19 pm  Comments (1)  

Buh bye

Handwritten page of a diary dated April 20, 2000

thought it was a name I’d be writing about a lot. Ryan. Liked him in chat. Said I’d meet him in the park since I was dying to be distracted away from my physics homework. Thought maybe he’s too much older than me. But whatev.

The real life talking was going ok. And he was cute enough I guess. Then I decided to ask the question Justine taught me to ask — can I see a picture of your last girlfriend? He said ok.

Got home and it was already in my email inbox. Whoa. Sorry Ryan. Buh bye.


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Published in: on August 2, 2011 at 11:02 am  Leave a Comment