Shag carpeting

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 12, 1997

…  then when Mary Ann showed me this picture of herself in the late 70s I couldn’t stop talking about her living room. I said “wow, that’s a hi-fi with really dark wood like my grandma had. And she had shag carpet like yours only hers was orange, not gold. It’s too bad that throw rug looks like a beach towel. And I hope they got rid of that fake paneling on the walls.”

She said “really? you look at this picture and you notice the interior decorating? You didn’t notice that I have a bow on my head and I’m posing like a mermaid on a flat rock?”

Published in: on October 31, 2011 at 9:44 pm  Comments (1)  

Today he’s not gonna party even though it’s 1999

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 24, 1999

…  because I like to walk beside the house with the trees that are clipped in rounded shapes. What do you call that? There’s a name for it I think.
Today I saw a person walking two frufru dogs but was the person walking them a man or a woman? Don’t ask me.
I looked up and saw a kid but when I first saw him I said is he sitting on top of a bush? No. There’s a balcony up there.
Is he all hunched over a laptop computer? Yes he sure is. I yelled up and said why are you wasting such a nice day looking at a tiny screen? What kind of dirty look was that he gave me?
I said it’s just some dumb game isn’t it? Are you pretending to be in a submarine trying to steer away from torpedoes? Why aren’t you in a park moving your body around?
Doesn’t that kid know the world could end in a few months? Does he want to spend his last few months sitting still?


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Published in: on October 20, 2011 at 2:14 pm  Comments (1)  

Too much Red Bull

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 9, 1998

…  had to drag me to this party last night. Most of them this summer have been so lame because everyone still thinks doing the Macarena over and over again is going to entertain us. I was tired of that a year ago.

But then I got there and it wasn’t bad at all and I even let Jess talk me into wearing our weird hats we bought when we made the mistake of going shopping after drinking too much of our new discovery — Red Bull.

Anyway this party had a FLAMING JUMPROPE, which I almost tried. I used to be very good at jumping rope in the old neighborhood till we moved here and everyone thinks it’s totally UNcool. Then Jess (hopped up again on Red Bull) got the idea that she was going to try it but you know how much experience she had? Exactly none. Which is why I didn’t want her to do it because SERIOUSLY the burn unit at St. Francis is not my idea of a fun Saturday night.

Luckily I talked her out of it and the best part is we now have a photo that looks like she has a streak of fire piercing through her head.


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Published in: on October 16, 2011 at 9:32 am  Comments (2)  

Plump lips

Handwritten page of a diary dated December 26, 1998

…  because when I met Jenny it’s the first thing I noticed. I mean my sister constantly tells me that I should notice a woman’s personality, which I do, but hey, I’m a guy. I can’t help it. We’re visual. We notice physical things about women so sue me.

Jenny has a good body and all (no. good doesn’t even cover it!) but her lips are outstanding. They reminded me of this new actress I saw in Rolling Stone. Angelina somebody. With noticeably good lips.

Jenny’s roommate is a photographer, so I told them to take some pictures of Jenny’s lips for me — which I thought would be great. Then Jenny gave me the photo as a Christmas present. Poster-sized. The only problem is it’s not as appealing as I expected. I mean lip gloss yeah. Go lip gloss. But in that picture her mouth has gone from a nice degree of moistness and all the way over to looking slobbery.


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Published in: on October 11, 2011 at 10:32 am  Comments (1)  

It’s a nice day for a pink wedding

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 16, 2003

…  good fashion sense — even though I’m only 12. In fact Aunt Marla said she wanted me to see what I thought of the dresses at her wedding and she pulled out a picture from back sometime early in the LAST CENTURY.

I was like, There are three main things wrong with this wedding picture of yours.

She was like, Let me guess, one of the things wrong was the little flower girl is crying and I was like, I hadn’t even noticed that because there’s so much BUBBLE GUM PINK staring me in the face.

I was like, First of all you should’ve worn some contacts that day because the glare on your big old glasses makes it look like you have two white ghost eyes popping out of your head. Then I was like, Second of all those tiny little pink top hats you made those bridesmaids wear, well, I’m surprised that at least one of those six girls didn’t refuse to wear that in public.

And I was about to go on, but she told me the crying flower girl was my mom, and I kept saying No it wasn’t and she kept saying Yes it was.


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Published in: on October 2, 2011 at 10:57 am  Comments (4)