Crushing on Wonder Woman

Handwritten page of a diary dated March 20, 1992

and he still NEVER stops talking about her. I said Get a new pretend girlfriend Uncle Ned, Wonder Woman hasn’t been on the air for 10 years or more.
He said OK I’ll take Cindy Crawford, and I said You’re a little late, she just married Richard Gere. So he said Then I’m going back to Wonder Woman.

Last Christmas, when he told Pat and me he was taking us on this vacation to the Bahamas for spring break, we got him this funny T-shirt that will remind him of Wonder Woman a little bit. We made him wear it today, and it’s even funnier than we expected.

I said Pat should we feel guilty about all the razzing he’s taking by the other tourists on this boat? but Pat said No, he loves it, and he’s getting a lot of attention. Pat thinks we get to go on these free vacations every year because we always land Uncle Ned in some fun situations.


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Published in: on November 26, 2011 at 6:20 pm  Comments (1)  

Mom’s evil eye

Handwritten page of a diary dated December 2, 1999

called Grandma and asked her if I could live there. She said Hell no you can’t live here, and she asked me if I was off my nut. I said Come on Grandma. She said I could spend the weekend. Then she said “Final answer” because she loves that new show “Who wants to be a Millionaire” with Regis.

When I got there, she sat me down and put her arm around me and said Tell Grandma. I said I am so tired of that look Mom gives me, like she always thinks I’ve done something wrong. And Grandma said Your mom was born with that look. I said No, babies are not judgmental. She laughed, and then said Wait wait wait, and she ran to get a baby picture of my mom.

And Grandma was right! Mom really did look like a baby who would let you know if you got on her nerves. Grandma said she thinks we can blame Johnny’s Seafood Palace because when she was pregnant with Mom she ate the seafood combination platter there and got food poisoning. I said Yeah that could explain a lot. And we both nodded to each other.


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Published in: on November 20, 2011 at 11:35 pm  Comments (2)  

Xena Warrior Princess is not Australian

Handwritten page of a diary dated November 15, 2000

and Stevie watches The Wiggles on TV all the time. It’s a stupid show, but one day they had a good Australian song called Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport. And it stays in my brain all the time, to this day. Grandpa says I should try to visit Australia before I die. He showed me a picture of his friend who went there and parked his car in a big tree they have over there which looked pretty awesome. I don’t know, there are also big trees in California which is closer. BUT in California — no koala bears or kangaroos.

I made the mistake of telling Jack in my homeroom that if I went to Australia, I might see the actress who plays Xena Warrior Princess. Then he called me a moron because she’s not from Australia. She’s from New Zealand. Oh pardon me Jack, just because you know every minute detail about that show (he told me Friday that Joxer likes Gabrielle as if he was telling me gossip about people who go to our school or something).

I said Nicole Kidman IS from Australia and she’s pretty hot but he said “Dude, nice try, but nobody in this world is as hot as Xena Warrior Princess.”


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Published in: on November 13, 2011 at 5:37 pm  Comments (1)  

Look Ma, no hands

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 16, 1974

…  up in my room trying to practice my tap-dancing routine to the stupidest song on the planet earth. (Miss Alexis said we could vote for a song from the last few years that had a good rhythm to it so I nominated Smoke on the Water and she looked at me all horrified, so I said Right Place But it Musta Been the Wrong Time by Dr. John and she said maybe. Someone wanted Bad Bad Leroy Brown, but she said it has the word DAMN in it. This is how we ended up with Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree) (So dumb!).

Norman comes in and watches me for a while and I say Get out — but of course he doesn’t. I stop dancing and say Would you mind telling me why you have your wrists taped to your pockets. He says It’s a long story. I say How did you get that scratch on your ear? and he says That’s another long story.

Later mom says they dragged him along when they went blueberry picking but he didn’t want to help. They asked him why and he said because he saw a guy on TV with no arms and he was spending 24 hours not using his arms or hands to see what it would be like. They thought it was just an excuse, but I said Nope, I have a feeling it’s real.


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Published in: on November 8, 2011 at 12:26 pm  Comments (2)