‘Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna’

Handwritten page of a diary dated May 4, 1994

… wasn’t going to agree to be editor again this year. I was like — Let some junior do it, like I did last year. Just let me coast through senior year without all the headaches. But I got talked into it.

So today I’m playing Yahtzee with my mom and she’s like — you’re such a good writer that it must be easy for you to fix up the bad stories that some kids turn in. AS IF!!! Like, I told her about a story turned in last week that MADE NO SENSE. I’m like — imagine if someone just put a bunch of words on these dice in the Yahtzee game and just shook the dice and threw them out and just wrote down the words in the order they spill out onto the table.

She’s like — that can be good sometimes, like in song lyrics. The minute she brings up the Beatles, I go — DUDE, stop. But it’s too late and she’s singing stuff from I am the Walrus. Which, I don’t really mind that song, but I’d NEVER tell her that. Then she goes — I thought you liked that song called  I’m A Loser Baby So Why Don’t you Kill Me? What about when that guy says — beefcake pantyhose? What about when he says — spray paint the vegetables?

OK, I was surprised she knew the words to that song, AND she was actually kind of right. But what……ever.


Original image:

Published in: on October 18, 2019 at 5:51 am  Comments (2)  

Home alone


Handwritten page of a diary dated April 16, 1994

… few of the things I did when my parents took ALL THREE of my brothers to the pinewood derby contest and left me blissfully at home alone for the whole day:

Dressed up and drew a picture of myself .. well, myself with a different body and longer hair.

Went outside and walked along the very top ledge of the retaining wall (which would’ve given my mother a heart attack if she was here) AND I strutted and sang “I’m a model, you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk.” I thought I didn’t even like that song, but it did come in handy.

Noticed it was a full moon, and started singing “Full moon and empty arms, the moon was there for us to share but where are you” which is a song from a Frank Sinatra CD given to me by Basement Jerry next door.


Original image:
Published in: on June 18, 2016 at 4:05 pm  Comments (1)  

Hillary and Di

princess Diana w:Hillary

Handwritten page of a diary dated August 30, 1997

…  “it’s so good to see Princess Diana happy again lately, don’t you think?”

I had almost fallen asleep and her voice startled me, but she is my boyfriend’s mother so I pulled it together and said “Sure, who doesn’t want that?”

When Luke invited me on this vacation, he forgot to tell me about the sleeping situation at their lake house. I didn’t know I’d have to choose between a twin bed in his sister Danielle’s room or a twin bed in his mother’s room. Before I committed one way or the other, I spent a little time with Danielle in her room. I was in there a total of 20 minutes and she managed to play the song “Mmm Bop” three times plus tell me her theory that even though Taylor is the cutest one now (and closer to her age) she thinks she would rather marry Zac. She says she can just look at their faces and know that Zac will be more handsome as an adult.

That’s when I chose the bed in Luke’s mom’s room instead. At first it seemed like I’d made the right decision. Until I knew it was going to be a sleepless slumber party night with a Princess Diana theme.

The second time I almost fell asleep his mom said “I saw a picture in a magazine of Princess Di with Hillary Clinton. Now don’t get me wrong, I like Hillary and it’s fun to have a First Lady who is smart enough to be president herself. And Hillary is pretty too. BUT when she was sitting there in that picture, she looked like it was a charisma contest and she knew she was losing. Hillary should’ve just relaxed and realized that NOBODY is going to win a charisma contest against Princess Diana. When Princess Di is 100 years and has thinning hair and curled up fingers, she’ll still be the most dazzling woman in any room.”


Original image:

Spice Girls? No

spice girls

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 5, 1999

…  she would probably have convulsions if she couldn’t watch ‘The View’ and now that it’s summer, she’s been trying to get me to watch it with her again like she tried last year. At least that blonde girl is gone and a cool Asian girl has taken her place but seriously, why do I want to watch a TV show where everyone is trying to talk at the same time? I get enough of that at the dinner table when Aunt Mary Jane brings over my cousins every single Sunday since the day I was born. Last Sunday Maggie kept asking me if I still liked the Spice Girls and I kept saying no about fifty times and then Aunt Mary Jane tried to pretend she’s cool by saying “Oh, you’re not gettin’ jiggy Wit the Spice Girls any more?”

If there was a contest for the most UNcool family in all of the state of Pennsylvania, then they would win.


Original image:
Published in: on February 22, 2013 at 5:16 am  Comments (3)  

Romeo and Juliet

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 4, 1996

…  then I go back over to her apartment and there’s a sign on the door and I’m afraid to knock.

It started out as one of the best dates I’ve ever had — but then she said she liked Snoop Doggy Dogg and I said “Really?” Then we had some more good conversation but I kept saying “Really? You like Snoop Doggy Dogg? Really?” And she said maybe I should just leave, but I got her talking about the Rain Forests again. I guess I was quieter than before because then she said “You’re still thinking about Snoop Doggy Dogg aren’t you?” and I said “Yeah sorry but I am. I can’t help it.” I mean she liked other music that I do like but I couldn’t get over thinking maybe she was too young for me.

I guess that sign on the door could’ve been put there by somebody in one of the other apartments. But I noticed she has a computer printer in her apartment so I bet she made that sign after I left in case I tried to come back. Which I did.

Then I walked out in the street and looked up and she was looking out the window. Now I know how old Romeo felt looking up there at Juliet.


Original image:
Published in: on August 29, 2012 at 8:43 am  Comments (1)  

Left behind

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 3, 1991

…  decided to move in with Maurice who she calls her “beau” so she said I could live in her house while I go to college BUT there are two conditions.

First, I have to finish cleaning it out, because she already took everything she wanted. And second, if Maurice turns out to be a worse guy than she’s expecting, she will turn right around and come back and we’ll have to live here together. So of course I’m praying for true true love between them (ha, he doesn’t actually have to treat her too good to surpass the husband skills of Uncle Roy, so I think I’m safe for a while).

At first I thought she mighta even left something good behind, or at least interesting, but so far it’s just a massive collection of Michael Bolton albums, a bunch of old Barbie dolls, a big round plastic machine (maybe it’s a centrifuge like forensics scientists use to spin around DNA samples), and scattered around all over the place are about 500 various birthday cards that were never written on or mailed.

I did find a manilla envelope full of letters to Uncle Roy from some woman in West Virginia. I only read one so far, and she sure didn’t have very good spelling skills, but I might read some more some day, because she sounds like an interesting character and she pressed her lipstick on there instead of signing her name at the end.


Original image:
Published in: on July 28, 2012 at 5:46 pm  Leave a Comment  

mmm donuts

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 11, 1996

…  every Sunday night. Grandma and dad are battling it out over the TV. Dad tells Grandma she can only watch the second half hour of Touched by an Angel because he has to watch The Simpsons and EVERY SINGLE TIME she says, “What good is it to see how the story turns out if you don’t know how the story got started?” I just wait for them to duke it out because I don’t care about the TV anyway till the X-Files comes on later.

A few days ago Grandma says it’s your dad’s birthday coming up and she guessed we should make him a cake. But she said it with that look on her face like she would really rather be doing something different. Like I mean about ANYTHING in the world except that. So I told her I had a Homer Simpson idea and all she had to do was buy a little plastic doll and some donuts at the bakery and after I explained it to her she said I was a GENIUS. She says that to me a lot, but I think she really means it most of the time.


Original image:
Published in: on July 2, 2012 at 11:11 am  Leave a Comment  

New improved dog

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 9, 1995

… read this book to me that she found in the attic. I said that kid is about my age and gets to sleep with a dog in the bed why can’t I? Then she said that kid has a long skinny dog but if Maxwell slept in your bed, you would be pushed out on the floor. I said let’s get a skinnier dog like Murray. Then she said who’s Murray? I said he’s that yellow dog on the TV show you like. Then she said what TV show? I said that show with the guy and the blond lady and the blond dog named Murray in their apartment. Then she said oh you mean Mad About You.

If I had this yellow dog I would also want a hat with a green stripe and a red feather to put on the bedpost and I would open the curtain so I could have the stars shining on me all night long.

Then she said if we got a dog like that we would have to get rid of Maxwell. I said ok and she said hey we went to the shelter and you were the one who picked Maxwell out and I said yeah but that was when he was small and he’s now too big and he bats his big whomping fat tail in my face. Then she said you can’t just throw out your dog when he’s not so cute any more. Then she said are you going to throw me out when I get old and get gray hair? I thought it would be funny if I said yes Mom I am going to. But I’m not exactly that stupid. So I didn’t say anything. Which is sometimes the smartest way.


Original image:
Published in: on June 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm  Comments (1)  


Handwritten page of a diary dated January 22, 1995

… pretty dull for a slumber party. Watched Mike Myers final time on Saturday Night Live and then the usual two wimpy girls fell asleep and then Mandy’s mom called Mandy from the stairs and said she forgot to give us the special treat she made for us. She said look for the black bowl in the freezer. So Mandy pulls out the bowl and at first we saw brown crumbs and we thought it looked disgustomatic so we didn’t even try it. By the time some brave person first stuck a spoon in it well by then it had melted into a primo soft ice cream with fudge sauce and crushed Oreos on top and you could barely fit any more hands around that bowl. Except Valerie who wouldn’t eat any because we were “double-dipping” our spoons in there like that Seinfeld episode where that guy tells George that double-dipping a chip in the dip is like putting your whole mouth in it. It didn’t stop anybody else though. Just Val.


Original image:
Published in: on May 28, 2012 at 2:26 am  Comments (1)  

Too much caffeine

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 2, 1993

must’ve been about midnight when she fell asleep and there I was three or four hours later with my thoughts still racing like a madman.

A few of the fifty thousand things that crossed my mind:

1. She insisted we buy these expensive pillows, but then she spends most of the night laying her head just flat on the mattress.

2. Why can’t we just have a really great president like Kevin Kline in the movie “Dave” (which I’ve now gone to see FOUR times)?

3. Walter said he’d fire me if I grew my hair out like Kurt Cobain’s but I wonder if he really would. Man, that guy has it all. I mean Kurt Cobain not Walter, ha ha.

4. Maybe I really do drink too much coffee.

5. Julia Roberts actually married Lyle Lovett?????????


Original image:
Published in: on April 6, 2012 at 4:17 pm  Comments (1)