‘All the sugar and twice the caffeine.’


Handwritten page of a diary dated October 4, 1986

… said “You’re 12. I let you go see the ‘Crocodile Dundee’ even though it’s a PG-13 movie. But I am not gonna buy you Jolt Cola. Look right there on the can. It says ‘All the sugar and twice the caffeine.’”

I only have about a 50% success rate at talking her into stuff, so I knew I’d have to think fast. Then I remembered how worried she was a few months ago when the Chernobyl plant blew sky high so I told her with the way all that radiation is in the air, I probably won’t live long anyway, so I should experience things while I can.

It worked? Huh? She agreed to buy it — “but not a whole six-pack” she said, and of course the cashier was not happy to try to figure out how much to charge her for one can that she yanked out off the plastic sleeve.

I went home and poured that Jolt Cola over ice and slurped it down. Just tasted like Pepsi I guess, but then I got in the closet and got out my Star Wars light saber. Even though it doesn’t light up any more I couldn’t stop swinging that thing around. I went in the kitchen where Mom was watching some taped episode of “Dynasty” or “Falcon Crest” as she was chopping up an onion.

I pointed to her hand and said “That’s not a knife.” Then I raised my light saber and said “THAT’S a knife!”

She looked at me funny, so I told her it was the most famous line in “Crocodile Dundee.” She wasn’t even a little bit impressed.

Now it’s about 1 a.m. and I can’t sleep. That Jolt rush was pretty fun at first, but now I’m laying in bed and I can’t stop thinking about stuff that normally doesn’t even cross my mind. Like why does my dad have to dress like he’s in “Miami Vice”? What if Mad Cow disease comes to America and we can’t even eat hamburgers any more?  Why did Yoda have to die in “Return of the Jedi”? Why do I spend so much time thinking about marrying Whitney Houston when I don’t even like any of her songs?


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