Shag carpeting

Handwritten page of a diary dated February 12, 1997

…  then when Mary Ann showed me this picture of herself in the late 70s I couldn’t stop talking about her living room. I said “wow, that’s a hi-fi with really dark wood like my grandma had. And she had shag carpet like yours only hers was orange, not gold. It’s too bad that throw rug looks like a beach towel. And I hope they got rid of that fake paneling on the walls.”

She said “really? you look at this picture and you notice the interior decorating? You didn’t notice that I have a bow on my head and I’m posing like a mermaid on a flat rock?”

Published in: on October 31, 2011 at 9:44 pm  Comments (1)  

It’s a nice day for a pink wedding

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 16, 2003

…  good fashion sense — even though I’m only 12. In fact Aunt Marla said she wanted me to see what I thought of the dresses at her wedding and she pulled out a picture from back sometime early in the LAST CENTURY.

I was like, There are three main things wrong with this wedding picture of yours.

She was like, Let me guess, one of the things wrong was the little flower girl is crying and I was like, I hadn’t even noticed that because there’s so much BUBBLE GUM PINK staring me in the face.

I was like, First of all you should’ve worn some contacts that day because the glare on your big old glasses makes it look like you have two white ghost eyes popping out of your head. Then I was like, Second of all those tiny little pink top hats you made those bridesmaids wear, well, I’m surprised that at least one of those six girls didn’t refuse to wear that in public.

And I was about to go on, but she told me the crying flower girl was my mom, and I kept saying No it wasn’t and she kept saying Yes it was.


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Published in: on October 2, 2011 at 10:57 am  Comments (4)  

A real ghost

Handwritten page of a diary dated June 15, 1970

…  then Grandma says she can prove to me that ghosts are real and I will never again have any doubts. I say You must be joking with me. She pulls out a framed picture of her own mother and says There’s a real ghost in there — plain as day.

I say Grandma you know the photographer coulda been pulling your mother’s leg because I think he worked up a double exposure on here to get her going. She says, no they didn’t even have double exposures back in them days. I say if that’s a real ghost then this picture would be valuable.

I’d like to kick myself for telling her that because now she wants me to find out who we need to call to sell this picture to a magazine or something and make some bigtime dough.


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Published in: on September 28, 2011 at 12:58 pm  Leave a Comment  

Troll doll obituary

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 29, 1964

…  and since it’s her dog that wrecked my troll doll I expect her to use her own allowance to buy me another one. After all Mom said I could only have four (Sandra in my homeroom has at least TEN!!!!) so I spent half the summer picking out what color hair I wanted for each one. And now this means I have no pink.

I asked Mom if we could have the dog put to sleep for doing such a thing but she just looked at me like I was kookie.

What a stupid dog. Eating rubber. Did he think there was some raw hamburger inside or did he just want me to suffer?

Published in: on September 21, 2011 at 4:45 pm  Leave a Comment  

any Man!

Handwritten page of a diary dated September 14, 1971

…  seemed like such a sweet guy, which is why I was floored when he opened the door for me and I finally noticed we were in kind of a sketchy part of town.

He walks us over to a grimy looking movie theater and the poster for the movie was … well, not what I was expecting.

He must’ve seen the look on my face, because he pointed out that the movie was R rated instead of X, so he thought it might just be funny instead of like porn.

I still hadn’t said a word and he said, look, she’s got boots like the ones you’re wearing – which I didn’t find all that comforting and he must’ve sensed it because he then said, OR if you’d rather go to that party your roommate mentioned. I said yeah that might be a good idea.


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Published in: on August 25, 2011 at 12:27 am  Comments (3)  

The mermaid and the starfish

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 25, 1962

…  because Freddy (my nephew Freddy, not my ex-boyfriend Freddy) (of course) said I could read the essay he wrote.

I unzipped his 3-ring binder and a page from a magazine fell out. Now either he is shopping for a new bathing suit, or he is feeling lustful about a scantily dressed mermaid. I didn’t want to embarrass him, but … well, I did think it was funny, so I asked him about it. He hemmed and hawed and finally said “Oh, we’re studying mermaids in … um … Biology class … no … I mean Art class.”

So I told him I wanted some drawings or paintings for my refrigerator. Now he’ll feel obligated to do it. Tee hee.


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Published in: on August 20, 2011 at 5:59 pm  Comments (2)  

C’mon Ma

Handwritten page of a diary dated July 29, 1970

…  kept arguing with her about the camera angles. He said ‘C’mon, Ma, I hafta look good here to send this photo to the girl in Jersey’ and she said ‘I’m tryin I’m tryin.’

He’s my cousin? Too weird. I can’t believe we’re from the same grandparents. I thought I’d get a chance to see New York City, but so far, we just hang around in Brooklyn.

He said ‘Ma, don’t back up so much! This is a picture of me, not your precious davenport’ and she said ‘But it wouldn’t hurt to have a picture of my furniture while it’s still nice, before you kids trash this one up like the last one.’


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Published in: on August 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm  Leave a Comment  

no thank u gramma

Handwritten page of a diary dated October 17, 2009

…  came home from the garage sale with an old pattern. she’s like, “u know how i’ve been wanting to crochet something for u?” i think “oh no.”
but it was even worse than i thought.
i’m like, “that may be a little old-timey” and she’s like “no, it has a date on it from this summer.”
i’m like “that woman is wearing pantyhose with her slippers” and she’s like “they wouldn’t have to be slippers. i could glue something sturdy on the bottom and u could wear them to a party or to school.”
after I had a heart attack i’m like “no thank u gramma” and she’s like “ok then i’ll make some for myself and ur gonna be wanting some 2.”


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Published in: on August 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm  Comments (2)  

‘Pretty Man’

Handwritten page of a diary dated January 17, 1967

went to the bookstore to see if they have a copy of “The Last Picture Show.” I started reading it at camp because Eve brought it with her but she lives far away so she didn’t want me to take it home because she was afraid I wouldn’t mail it back to her—which I woulda done. I like the book so far and I think they should make a movie from it and I think Mia Farrow and Ryan O’Neal should be in because they are so good in Peyton Place.
Then I saw this book called “Pretty Man” and it reminded me of Howie, because the guy on the cover is looking in the mirror at himself, just like Howie does ALL OF THE TIME. When I give him his new book I’ll say the sentence written on the cover: “Howie no one can admire you more than you do yourself!”


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Published in: on July 30, 2011 at 9:48 am  Comments (2)  

Look my way Wanda Mae

Handwritten page of a diary dated November 1, 1977

… starting to think this is some kind of popularity contest every time I go to work. I stand there beside Grandma Moses over there with her big puffy pile of red hair on top of her head (her real name is Wanda Mae) and everyone goes to her checkout line instead of mine.

So I just stand there trying to look busy, which is not as easy as it sounds when you have to do it for four hours a day. I restock all the gum in my racks, and usually in Wanda Mae’s racks too — just to have something to do. All the old fogey men who swarm around her load up on the Black Jack gum, which is putrid in every way.

OK, if you want to know the actual truth, I MIGHT have kind of a crush on Wanda Mae too, but if she wants to flirt with old men chewing black gum instead of a younger man in his prime, then that’s her problem.


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Published in: on July 25, 2011 at 1:47 pm  Leave a Comment